


I want to live. I want to love. I think I am ready.

by FirebreathingReader



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Lives (Supernatural), Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Dean Winchester Actually Deals With Feelings, Dean Winchester Lives, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Episode Fix-It: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), SPN - Freeform, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam gets a (non-blurry) wife named Eileen, Supernatural - Freeform, Team Free Will (Supernatural), Team Free Will 2.0 (Supernatural), angsty, castiel - Freeform, cute Destiel, dean winchester actually gets the happy ending he deserves, finale rewritten, nothing ever stays dead in supernatural, post-episode s15e19, supernatural s15 fix-it, this is a big fuck you to s15e20 Carry On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:13:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 38,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28221474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FirebreathingReader/pseuds/FirebreathingReader
Summary: Dean Winchester, and his brother Sam, are finally free to do what they want. No one is controlling them any more. No one is writing their story for them. It is all up to them now.Quiet and peaceful days in the bunker. Living almost as if they were ordinary people, with ordinary lives. The only thing they had to worry about was stuff like laundry. Grocery shopping. Walking their dog, Miracle. Maybe do some research for a hunt, if they are up for it.Living.Dean can finally live his own life. And yet, he is nowhere near being happy. On the contrary, he is feeling worse than he has ever felt before. Learning that the one thing that Dean has dreamed about for years, the one thing that could make him truly happy, was always within reach for him - has left him more broken than he has never been before. The moment he learned this, was both the happiest moment in his life. But also the most heartbreaking.Dean´s one wish in life has always been to be loved back the way he loves his family. Being loved back the same way he has loved Cas for the last decade. And now he has that.He only needs to save his angel first.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Jack Kline, Castiel & Jack Kline & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Destiel, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 42





	1. bad dreams

**Author's Note:**

> In this household, 15x20 does not exist. The hugest fuck-up in all of the history of fuck-ups. Well guess what c*w, you stupid worthless piece of nothing, I ain't giving up on these characters and you can’t make me. 
> 
> I’m writing my own ending, and no one can stop me. I was going to write a tumblr post about my finale, but it ended up being too long, so i decided i would try writing a one-chapter fic on here, but this turned out even longer than that and this will probably be like 6-7 chapters long. idk yet.
> 
> Its mostly Dean being sad about Cas and cute Destiel. And some Jack, Sam, and Eileen.  
> (*English is not my first language, so I apologize for any typos*)

S A M

The sun is high in the sky, small strays dancing through the branches and leaves of the huge weeping willow tree above them. Sam watches his brother looking through the old journal their father left them all those years ago. He smiles to himself, glad to see his big brother finally outside the bunker, focusing on something other than the grief he so hard tries to hide from him. Sam turns back to the map in front of him, spread over the hood of the impala.

The impala goes quiet as they stop in front of the old barn. They have to find the missing boys before anything happens to them. That’s what they do, saving people. The Winchesters finding the monsters that other people only hear about in stories, but that is very very real for them. Hunting things.

The last of the masked creature falls to the ground. Sam smiles at his brother, proud of having won another hunt, saving those boys. Dean is leaning against a beam at the other end of the barn, but he’s not smiling. «Sammy.»

Sam stands there crying, the only thing holding up his big brother. His hero. He stopped breathing several minutes ago. The last tear dried up, on its way down his beautiful face. His green eyes never to see the sun again. His brother. Dean. Gone.

***

Sam screams himself awake, again. Abruptly sitting up in his bed. His covers fall to the floor as he breathes heavily, looking around. The alarm clock at his nightstand shows 07:58. The bunker is dead quiet.

He quickly gets out of bed, almost tripping on his slippers beside his bed. Still, in his pajamas, he sprints down the hallway to his brother's room. The bunker is dead quiet.

This is the third night in a row that Sam has had the same dream. The first night he woke when he and Dean arrived at the barn. The second night he woke when he and Dean had killed all the masked creatures. But this time it seemed that Sam woke after the dream had ended. That’s what scares him this time, so much that he runs down the hall to check on his brother. The bunker is too quiet.

Stopping in front of the closed door, he draws a shaky breath as he slowly opens the bedroom-door. A sleeping figure is sprawled across the bed, half covered in a blanket. Dean sleeps heavily in his double-sized bed. At the sight of his brother, Sam lets out a relieved breath closing his eyes, leaning his forehead against the bed.

The alarm on the nightstand goes off as the clock ticks to 08:00. A deep growl comes from the sleepy figure, as Dean slams his hand down on the alarm clock and a head appears from underneath the blankets. Still half asleep, Dean lifts his head and looks at his brother.

«Sammy? Please turn off the light or close the door, I need at least half an hour before I can function as a human being. And I prefer to suffer that half-hour in the dark.»  
«Ehm, sorry, I… I was just coming to tell you, breakfasts ready in twenty minutes.» Sam half-smiles as he turns to close the door. Relief filling his body as he realizes it was just a bad dream.  
«I WANT BACON!» Dean half yells as the door closes.

Miracle comes running down the hall at the sound of Dean´s sleepy voice. Sam reaches down to scratch his head and places a kiss at the top of his head before slightly opening the bedroom door again. Miracle slips through it and Sam can hear him jumping onto the bed. As Sam turns to head to the bathroom he hears Dean laughing quietly in his room. The bunker is peacefully quiet.

Still, the memory of Dean dying in his arms, stings somewhere in the back of his mind, not being able to let it go. The fact that he had dreamt the same thing three nights in a row, was too much of a coincidence to not mean something. Especially if your last name is Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> This chapter turned out a little short, I didn´t plan on including this, but I just had to get 15x20 out of the way... So yeah, that awful hunt was just a bad dream! Everything is okay! Dean, (everyone) is alive! (Cas will of course come back too)


	2. suffer in the quiet of darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Dean.
> 
> Those were usually his first words to Dean.  
> How fitting it was for his last to be;
> 
> Goodbye, Dean.

_**D E A N** _

_Hello, Dean._

Those were usually his first words to Dean.  
How fitting it was for his last to be;

_Goodbye, Dean._

Getting up in the mornings were the hardest part of the day. He usually woke with a calm and peaceful feeling, but that was quickly replaced by a much darker mood as he remembered. Remembered everything that had happened recently.

After Sam had closed the door, and Miracle had taken his place by Dean side in the bed, he laid there in the dark of his bedroom, staring at the empty side of his bed, and at the chair that sat in the corner.

Once Dean had been scolding the angel for watching him sleep, but Dean grew used to Cas peacefully resting beside him as Dean slept. He even wished for it most days. Wished for the feeling of safety he got whenever he woke to feel that presence. He had lost count of how many times Dean had dreamed or imagined a certain angel laying beside him in the bed, on the side of the bed that Dean always left empty, as he slept peacefully. Cas never did though.

But sometimes, he would wake in the middle of the night and feel a presence in the room. He never had to turn over to know that the angel was sitting in the chair in the corner, and Dean came to long for Cas to stay with him like that. He never dared imagine anything else though, as he knew it would hurt more than the moment of joy it would bring him. Dean knew nothing would ever happen between the two, as Cas was a cosmic being, and Dean wasn’t exactly a lovable person. But he would dream and wish for just the presence of his best friend. Having him beside him like that was better than nothing at all.

How wrong he had been.

Because he could have had all the things he had never dared to even wish for. He could have had it all. Had he not been such a coward. Never being brave enough to face his deepest fears, Dean would forever live in regret, knowing he never had to fear them at all. And now Cas was gone. Cas had told Dean everything he had ever wanted, needed, to hear. And then he was gone.

Dean remembers every single second of that night. Every single word Cas had spoken to him. Every single regret had flashed before him in the dark room, as he sat crying on the floor the whole night. The world was ending outside the bunker, another apocalypse that the Winchesters had to save the world from.

_I cared about the whole world because of you._

The world didn’t matter to Dean that night, and it still doesn’t. The world was literally dying in front of them. But that didn’t matter to Dean, because his whole world had already died that night. Dean lost his big win. Lost his best friend. Lost his happiness, a happiness he didn’t even know he could have. He watched his greatest love get taken from him right in front of his eyes, and he could do nothing about it. He had lost his angel.

_The one thing I want… it's something I know I can’t have._

He never got to tell Cas that he had always been his. He had loved Cas for such a long time now, that he can’t remember the feeling of not loving him. For so long he had believed that his feelings were unrequited. Dean had believed for so long that angels couldn't feel the same way humans did, he didn’t think they were capable of such emotion. Oh, how stupid he was. So much time wasted. He could have had Cas all this time, had he only had the courage to tell the angel how he felt.

_I love you_.

He never got to tell Cas that he loved him too. That would forever be his biggest regret. He would be haunted by those blue eyes and the knowledge of how much time he had wasted. Haunted by the knowledge that his greatest love, loved him back, but that he was too much of a coward to tell him. He had to live with that for the rest of his life, and he would never ever want to forget it because he deserved to be reminded of it. Dean deserves to be haunted by that regret.

_Why does this sound like a goodbye?_  
_Because it is. I love you. Goodbye, Dean._

They could have had so much time together, but in the end, Dean didn’t even tell Cas that he loved him too. And Cas died thinking that Dean didn’t love him back. Of course, he loved him.

Yes, Dean had been in love with others in the past. But never like this. The love he felt towards his best friend was something else entirely. He loved Cas with not just his whole heart, but with his soul too. His whole being. His love for him ran so deep in his bones that he no longer could picture a time where he did not love the angel. He couldn't remember a time where Cas wasn’t his, and he never wanted to see such a time where he didn’t have the angel.

«I love you too, you stupid son of a bitch. I’m coming for you, you’re not getting away from me ever again. You hear that Cas?» He said to the dark of his bedroom with a low and somber voice, before finally rising from his bed to start the day. «I’m gonna bring you home.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is reading this, thank you!:)


	3. going nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> «I´m not going anywhere until I found a way to…» he can’t even say it. Dean hates the way feelings just screws you up and makes everything so much harder. At the look his brother gives him, he adds, a little too harsh «I don’t wanna talk about it so stop looking at me like that.»
> 
> Dean almost feels bad leaving the kitchen with that tone, but he knows his brother knows. And that almost makes it even worse. Almost. 

**_D E A N_ **

Half an hour later, Miracle follows him closely as Dean walks into the kitchen, smiling at the smell of bacon filling the room. His brother is already seated at the table, waiting for him. At the sight of Dean and Miracle, Sam smiles before pouring a cup of coffee and placing it by Dean´s seat. Then he places a plate of food by his feet and Miracle happily leaps across the floor to devour the food.

«Morning, bro.» Dean follows, reaching for the bacon already before he has gotten his ass on the chair.

«Hey. How you feeling?» Sam asks sipping at his coffee.

«I feel wonderful» he answers his brother, but his face, his eyes, his whole body, tells a different story. And Dean knows Sam sees right through the mask he doesn’t even bother to make an effort on.

«Okay… Ehm… Dean, I wanted to ask you something.» Dean can feel his whole body tensing up at the words, knowing that if Sam asks about _it_ he won’t be able to handle it. But Sam, luckily knows his brother too well when it comes to how Dean handles these things. Sam learned a long time ago there was no point in forcing Dean to talk about _that,_ but he somehow manages to wrap all of _that_ into something else. «Eileen found a case that she wanted to look into, and I was wondering if it were okay with you if I joined her?»

«Of course, Sammy,» he stares into his coffee, relief clearly passing over Dean´s face and he knows that his brother notices. «That would probably be good for the both of you, to get out and away for a while. Just working a good old fashioned hunt, without the whole world being at stake»

«Yeah. Would you be okay though, staying here all alone for a while?»

«Sure. Of course. You don’t have to worry about me, Sammy! Go have some fun with your girlfriend.» At that Sam gives him a skeptical and knowing look. Sam knows how Dean handles losing people he loves. It's not pretty. Especially not when he loses _him. «_ Seriously, Sam. I'll be okay.»

«We have also been talking about maybe seeking out some of the hunters we know are alone or has lost people, leaving them alone. You know we talked about maybe bringing some of the lone hunters here. Especially the young ones.» Sam had brought up the idea some time ago. Wanting to gather and establish some kind of hunter community. Dean thought it was a great idea, he just wasn’t sure if he wanted to be at the forefront of it all. Not anymore.

«I think that would be nice,» he gives his brother a tired smile, but this time his smile actually reaches his eyes too. «I know you have wanted to organize and help hunters for a long time, and I think you and Eileen will do a great job with ´em.» Sam smiles at that.

«Yeah, I hope so. After you and I talked about hunting and Eileen moving here, I asked her if she would like to move here, since she’s already here so often, and she was over the moon with joy. And then we started talking about visiting the other young hunters, inviting them to move here. The bunker is way too big for just the fiv… ehm… three of us.» Although he quickly hides the words, Dean´s heart stings as Sam slips up. They were supposed to be five. They were supposed to have Cas here. They were supposed to have Jack here. But in the end, it was just the two brothers and Eileen.

«It will be good to have some more life here.»

«So, if we could get ´em here we could start sharing everything left over from the days of the Men of letters. There is way too much knowledge here for only us to keep. New and future generations of hunters should have a fair chance now that we know that anything can happen, even with Jack as the new God trying to make paradise.» Sam says wistfully as he finishes his breakfast.

«When are you guys leaving?» Dean asks, not wanting to talk about Cas or Jack.

«She’s coming over later today with some of her stuff, and then we'll leave first thing in the morning.»

«That’s great!» Dean, having eaten his bacon, raises to clean the table. «I think I’m gonna go work on baby and maybe go for a drive later when she’s ready. Of course, I’m gonna bring you too Mir, you know I won’t leave you,» he finishes as the dog playfully runs through his feet on the way to the counter.

«You… you could come with us. If you want to.»

«I´m not going _anywhere_ …» `until I’ve found Cas’ hangs in the air between them but he can’t say it. Dean hates the way _feelings_ just screws you up and makes everything so much harder. The last thing he wanted to do was go hunting. Dean just felt done with hunting. He felt ready to just... stop. He said he wouldn’t go anywhere hunting now, but deep down he knew he meant he didn’t want to anywhere hunting after he’d gotten Cas back either. He had been thinking about his future for a while now, and what he wanted to do, now that the big-bad-God was gone.

Dean had always believed his life would only consist of hunting, and being a big brother. But lately, he had started to imagine what his life could be like if he started living it, instead of just watching it. The thought had been slowly creeping up on his for the past year, and the more he imagined a peaceful life, a life where he could just simply be. Simply live. He realized he wanted that more than anything.

He didn’t really know how to tell Sam all of this. Sam had been the one to want a normal life, but now he was the one who wanted to be a hunter. Dean had been the one who wanted to spend his life hunting, or at least he was the one destined to be a hunter, but now all he wanted was a peaceful life. Not normal, his life would never be normal. But peaceful. He wanted to know how a peaceful life would look like.

`I want to live. I want to love. I’m ready to start living my life’, Dean thinks, but he’s just not quite sure how to say it out loud.

At the look his brother gives him, he adds, a little too harsh «I don’t wanna talk about it so stop looking at me like that.»

Dean almost feels bad leaving the kitchen with that tone, but he knows his brother knows. And that almost makes it even worse. Almost.

***

The darkness of the garage blinds him after having spent hours in the late afternoon sun, driving around with nowhere as a goal. Dean parks Baby on her usual spot, the main spot at the center, of the bunkers first level where all the cars are kept. His eyes fall to the far corner where the light is even dimmer than where he sits in the impala, where a car is hidden behind some tool cabinets. The gold-colored 1978 Lincoln Continental Mark V was covered up with a white sheet years ago. The car hadn’t been used for a long time, and Dean doesn’t even know if anyone else knows it’s there. After Cas was freed from Lucifer, he made no effort to recover the car, but Dean had brought it home anyway, without anyone knowing. Cas had eventually replaced it by using other trucks, some stolen, some from the bunker's garage.

Dean doesn’t know why he even bothered with bringing the stupid car here since Cas didn’t care enough to fix it. But Dean had still brought it home. He hasn’t touched it since he parked it there, but now he almost wants to start fixing it up again, just to be able to have something to do, something that still felt like Cas. That’s probably why he had it here, to have something of Cas’s. It’s stupid really, but now he’s glad he did. It almost makes him smile as he leaves the impala.

There are many other beautiful cars left over from when before the Winchesters made the bunker their own. They aren’t enough to fill the entire garage, but they are still an impressive collection. He hasn’t driven any of them yet, except the Lincoln, and he once took out a blue 1955 Chevy Bell Air. But that was only because his girl needed an oil change, and he couldn’t find the right type of oil in the bunker. No way did that blueberry even compare to his 67´ Impala. No way.

A red 1971 Plymouth Valiant is also parked close to the entrance, and Dean smiles as he walks down to the bunkers next level, hearing quiet laughter. Sam and Eileen are seated in the library, both looking at something on a computer.

«Heya, Sammy. Eileen.» He smiles as they walk down the stairs, joining them at the table.

«Hello, Dean. How was your ride?» Eileen asks smiling up at her boyfriend's big brother.

«Way too short! It's such a beautiful day today, but I didn’t wanna wear out my Baby on her first ride in weeks, although I know she would handle it perfectly.»

«So you manage to replace the… brake-thingy-part that made that weird sound?»

«The break pads, yes. It's no trouble as long as I have the right parts, which can be hard to get a hold of when I need original parts. I don’t want no fake crap for my girl.»

«Of course not.» Sam smiles at Eileen. «So, what are you up to now?»

«I was thinking about maybe taking a nap, and then later after my nap I was thinking about taking a nap, and then maybe a nap after that» he grins at his brother as he raises from the chair.

«Ha-ha.» Sam mocks.

«I'll be in my room,» He turns and looks at the couple before heading for the kitchen to find some snack, «let me know when you leave.»

***

«Hey Dean?!» Sam calls after him as he catches up with him in the hall, as Dean is about to enter his bedroom, «I… I need to talk to you about something.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably shitty but this is my therapy now, so if you´ve read this far, thank you!
> 
> Since Christmas is right around the corner, I probably won´t have the time to update in a few days... I got one more chapter in my drafts, but I´m not happy with it atm, but I´ll try to update this weekend.


	4. ready to live, to love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m not going anywhere, Sam. Im not going hunting. I’m getting Cas back. And I might not go hunting after that either.”

**_D E A N_ **

«Hey Dean?!”» Sam calls after him as he catches up with him in the hall, as Dean is about to enter his bedroom, «I… I need to talk to you about something.»

«Yeah?»

«I just…» Sam looks around, clearly something bothering him.

«What is it, Sammy?» Dean asks concerned.

«Just... when we are gone... If there is a case about vampires, or a wierd case with kids missing and stuff... don’t go.» Sam looks to the floor, no wanting to meet his brothers eyes.

«What do you mean?»

«I just... just promise me. Don’t go on a hunt while I’m gone.» He finally meets Deans eyes, and Dean is almost shocked by the fear he can see in them.

«Did... something happen?»

«No. Dean, it’s just a bad feeling that something will go wrong if you go alone. Just don’t, okay? I don’t know how to explain it, it’s a wierd feeling I got. But please, trust me. Promise you won’t go.»

«You’re kinda scaring me, Sammy.» Dean can feel the fear creeping up his spine, a wierd feeling takes hold, as if he knows what his brother means. A hunt that could go wrong. A hunt that will go wrong, if he goes. Dean can’t explain it either, but it’s written in Sam’s eyes. It feels so real that Dean promises his brother, «I won’t go hunting while you’re away, I promise.»

«Good. Okay. Thanks.» Sam is about to turn after having studied Deans eyes for a moment, when he stops at Deans next words.

«I won’t go anywhere until he’s back, Sammy. I won’t give up on him. Nothing else matters right now. I don’t care shit about hunting anymore. He is what matters now.»

«I know. I know, Dean.» He smiles sadly at his big brother. He knows too well the pain of loosing someone you love. Dean just isn’t sure about what kind of love Sam thinks he has lost. With a whisper his brother adds under his breath, «I’ve always known.»

Dean realizes he might even know better than Dean himself, because Sam is the one who has watched Dean lose Cas before. They have both lost Cas, but as Dean has lost Cas, Sam has lost both Cas and Dean. Sam is the one who has been left watching his brother’s heart and soul die, as Dean lost Cas.

The thought scares the crap out of Dean, because with it, he realizes how much his brother sees. Not just what’s going on in front of him. But everything, Sam sees everything. Which makes his request too real. And he gets it. Dean and Sam lost Cas, but Sam is slowly loosing his brother too. The realization makes Dean speak with more honesty than he has in a long time.

«I’m not going anywhere, Sam. Im not going hunting. I’m getting Cas back. And I might not go hunting after that either.» He shocks even himself with the words, but as Dean studies his brother, he can see that Sam both understands, but also has been expecting his next words. «I think it’s great what you are doing with the young hunters. And I really want you to keep on going, I admire everything you and Eileen are doing. But I think I’m done. I think I want to take a step back. Watch you shine. Watch you save the family business. But I’m done.»

With an encouraging smile from his brother, Dean surprises himself even more as he pours his heart out.

«This is my last case, at least for a while. I’m getting my... I’m getting Cas back. And after that... I don’t know what he wants to do, hell I don’t even know if he’ll stay. But if he wants me to, I’ll follow him anywhere. But the hunting? I think I’m done. I wanna live. I wanna love... I wanna start loving my life» Dean almost can’t believe how honest he is. How he pours his heart out as if his feelings were a water escaping from a dam that just broke. «Of course I’ll stay here, this is our home. But I wanna get a job, maybe some time in the future when this place is crawling with hunters, I might get my own place. Maybe I’ll join you on a ghost hunt, a god old fashioned salt-and-burn. But you are the hunter, you are the one who wants to grow this community, and I’ll stay beside you and Eileen for as long as you need me, but the hunting? I’m gonna leave that to you.»

«Never thought I’d see the day the greatest hunter, the Dean Winchester, would retire.» Sam gives him a bright smile. «But you deserve all of that, you know that, everyone knows that. You’ve saved the world so many times and it’s time for you to get to live in it. I’m looking forward to seeing you live. To be happy. To love. And I know you’ll get him back, and I know he will follow you anywhere, too.»

***

Dean though maybe the quiet would help him focus at the task at hand, but the loneliness slowly but surely creeps up on him as he stares at the pages of the maybe fifteen old books splayed over the table in front of him.

The day they left he had been comfortable in the silence. He’d read more books these past four weeks than he ever had before in his life. He had gone through every book in the six bookshelves in the far corner of the library. And he hadn’t found anything.

Now he was halfway through another shelf. He still haven’t found anything.

Yet.

The first day all alone in the bunker consisted of the same procedure as yesterday. Wake up. Breakfast. Research. Dinner. Research. Sleep.

The second day, the loneliness took hold of him and it just got harder and harder to concentrate on the reading. His thoughts went to Cas, and his words. To Cas being alone in the empty, probably not even awake, just… there. He’d been trapped there for almost seven weeks now. 47 days, and 15 hours to be precise. The though sends shivers through him. The thought of Cas not being Cas, of Cas not being alive. Cas, alone. It might be the worst pain Dean had felt in a really, really long time.

Cas, left alone in the empty with no way out. There’s no way the empty would send him back, again.

Cas dying before Dean even realized what his words meant.

Cas dying before Dean could tell him that he loved him back.

Cas dying without anyone telling him they loved him.

Cas believing Dean doesn’t love him. He didn’t deserve to die believing Dean didn’t love him.

Cas didn't deserve to die. He deserved to live. If anyone deserved to die, it was Dean, not Cas.

Cas deserved to live. To love.

_Cas_.

_Cas_.

_Cas_.

Knowing what he now knew. It was one thing to live with the knowledge that nothing would ever come of Deans feelings towards the angel, knowing that his feelings were his, and his alone. Nothing would ever come of it, so they were simply pointless. But, knowing that Cas felt the same way. But living and knowing that the feelings Dean had towards the angel weren’t _pointless_ at all, but rather the only _point_ that truly mattered, made living so much more difficult than he had ever believed.

He though he knew pain, in loving someone that would never love you. But the pain of loving someone, knowing they loved you too, but not being able to tell them because they sacrificed themselves to save his stupid life? That was a pain so strong and hateful that it on several occasions took Deans breath away. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, live like this. Not without _him_.

Slamming shut his book in frustration and anger Dean gives a heavy sigh as he leans back in his chair, his eyes wandering over the shelves on the wall. This was going to take forever to figure out. But he would figure it out, even if it would take years. The thought makes him feel helpless and hopeless. How was Dean supposed to survive that long without him.

«Heya, Jack. You there kid?» Dean lowers his head as tears stings his eyes. Every night, he would pray to Cas. Each night so filled with hope that the disappointment of always being left feeling more empty, still took him by surprise. He would pray to Jack too, not every night like with Cas, but he found more comfort in talking to Jack these days. «I know you are busy, and I know you would have helped if you knew how to. But… if… if there is anything, _anything,_ no matter how small a thing, that could help him, please come tell me.»

Dean closes his eyes, shutting out the world and retrieving into the shell he has become. He can still hear his voice in times like this. In the quiet. In the dark.

«I miss him, so much. I miss both of you. I miss you, kid.»

He doesn’t open his eyes at first, even when he feels a new presence in the room. Only when Miracle darts across the floor towards the one now standing in the doorway. When a happy bark from the dog makes Dean open his eyes and turning his head, a tear has already dried up on its way down Dean´s face.

«Hello, Dean.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read / commented / left kudoss so far! :) I really appreciate it!<3


	5. love blinds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> «I think maybe, the love between the two of you, is such a huge part of you that you don’t recognize it for what it really is. Not even God could come between you. The God who was writing everything could never control you two. He never managed to control Castiel after he broke free, and through him, you were free too. You freed him, without knowing it, and he freed you, without seeing it. You were, the two of you, you simply were. Everyone else was tied to strings, but the two of you were only tied to each other.»

_**D E A N** _

«Hello, Dean.» Jack smiles as they meet his eyes, before sitting down on the steps to hug Miracle, «I heard your prayer. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to come to visit. But I wanted to. I’ve missed you too.»

Oh my… Even the way they say that phrase sounds like him. Jack is so much like Cas that one wouldn’t believe anyone claiming him to not being his kid. Although Cas isn’t the one who sired Jack, he is more of a father to Jack than anyone else. Cas is, and always has been, more of a father to Jack than John ever was a father to Dean.

«Hey, kid.» Dean walks over to them and as Jack stands back up, Dean embraces them. Pulling Jack close and holding them for a long moment. When he pulls away he smiles sadly down at the kid, ruffling their hair. «You have nothing to apologize to. If anyone should apologize, it's me. I know I haven’t been good to you lately, and I really am sorry for all of it. No, don’t try apologizing for me… I know we were just creatures in a sick play, written by God, but I can’t blame Chuck for everything.»

«Dean, I know you didn’t mean to be cruel like you think you were. I know you, I’ve seen your soul and I know you are good. But even good souls have to let loose sometimes»

«I still regret some of the things I said.»

«I know they weren’t your words.»

«Jack, I need you to know that. I know Cas was… is. Is your father and I know he’s your family, but so am I. You are my family too. I would do anything to save you. Of course, you are important to me, of course, I love you. Never ever doubt that again.»

«I never did doubt it, Dean. You were the one who did.» Jack smiles a sad smile at him as they scratch the fluffy dog that sits beside him. «Cas has been my father since before I was born, but you too have been my father, ever since I was born. And I never doubted your love, even when you tried to hide it, your love bled through. Yes, I tried hard to make you show it sometimes. But just because you didn’t show it, doesn’t mean I didn’t know it was there.»

Sitting down Dean turns his eyes away from Jack to hide the tortured look he knows is shining in his eyes. After a moment of hesitation, Dean once again asks Jack about the one thing that has been on his mind since that night. «Do you think we can get him back?»

«I have faith.»

«I wish I could borrow some of that.»

«It's not something you can borrow. It's something you do. Just like everything you do, you do for the love of your people.» The words stab Dean in the chest like an invisible knife. He flinches at the words that sound so much like the words he keeps repeating in his mind. He tries to hide it, but Jack notices, which evokes a deep and concerned look on their face. «What is it, Dean? Did I do something, or say something?»

«I… It's just... I…» Dean, not able to formulate words places his elbows on top of the open books on the table, hiding his face in his hands.

«Dean. You can talk to me.» Jack reaches across the table and softly rests a hand on Deans's shoulder. «You can talk to me about him.»

At that Dean looks up again, seeing that even Jack´s eyes are glassy at the thought of _him._ It's almost a little comical. The New God sitting in a bunker, comforting a broken man that once was the most faithless of them all. Dean was a fallen and broken man afraid of faith, who fell in love with a fallen angel driven by faith and fear of falling. They had both fallen into and from faith, both somehow healing each other as they fell together.

«The night the Empty took him…» his throat closes up, making even breathing hard. Clenching his fists on the table he closes his eyes, about to try again, but Jack interrupts him.

«The deal.» Dean studies Jack's face, not really sure what he’s looking for. «Cas would be taken at the moment he experienced true happiness. Which he did that night, right?»

«Yeah.» A tear escapes from his eyes as he smiles sadly at the kid.

«He told you. Didn’t he? And judging by the regret that’s written all over your heart and the grief of your soul, I guess you didn’t get the chance to tell him?» At that Dean finally meets their eyes, his own going wide at the realization that Jack knew.

«No, I didn’t... but how…?»

«It's not really the best kept secret, you know. The fallen angel who fell in love with the faithless, but righteous man.» Jack smiles sadly at Dean. «He never did say anything, to anyone. But it was there. It was always there. You try to hide it too, but none of you are subtle when it comes to each other.»

«What do you mean?» He knows damn well what he means, but he still needs to hear it. If only to make himself more certain of the words Cas had spoken because they still sometimes felt like a cruel hoax that Chuck threw his way. But if so, he still wants that hoax to be the only thing he believes in.

«I think maybe, the love between the two of you, is such a huge part of you that you don’t recognize it for what it really is. Not even God could come between you. _The_ God who was writing everything could never control you two. He never managed to control Castiel after he broke free, and through him, you were free too. You freed him, without knowing it, and he freed you, without seeing it. You _were_ , the two of you, you simply _were_. Everyone else was tied to strings, but the two of you were only tied to _each other_.»

Dean finally gives up on trying to hold back his tears, letting them stream down his face as a river finally breaking free of the dam that has been holding them back for so long. Clear tears bleeding from his eyes.

«You were everything together. Best friends, yes. Family, yes. But also something more. No one looks at their best friend like the longing looks you give each other. No one loves their family the way you love each other. You and Sam, Cas and Sam; that’s so different from _you_ _and_ _Cas_ that one can’t really compare it. I believe the term often used is “soulmates”, but not even that is enough of a word for what you are to each other. It wasn’t really hard to see. I might not have really understood you two, I never knew one without the other, but when you told me how he was taken, I saw it all perfectly clear, like a bright star on a dark and empty night sky.»

«Huh, well that’s almost a little funny you know? How you saw it long before _me_ , who has been beside him for over a decade.» Dean laughs sadly, forcing a smile on his lips.

«They do say that love blinds. And you two are proof of that.» At the look Dean gives them, Jack only smiles at him. «Everyone who knows you, everyone who has seen you together, have read your feelings for each other as if they were written on your face. But not you. You two blind yourself with the fear of rejection. The fear of being abandoned by the one thing that is keeping you afloat on a dark and stormy sea, when really it´s nothing to fear at all. There is no storm. The sun is shining brighter than ever. The sea is calm.»

«You are way too wise for your age, kid.»

«Well, I am God, so…» That makes them both chuckle a little before Jack breaks the silence again. «At first I might not have seen it, but then again I’m not exactly an expert on human emotion. But it was always there, your love, and when you told me how he was taken, I knew. I've always known you were his happiness, but it was only then that I was certain of _how_ you were his happiness. The same way he is yours.»

They sit there in silence for a long while. Dean staring out at the room, his eyes not really falling on anything. Jack is leaning against Miracle in the chair beside them, carefully and lovingly stroking the fluffy ball of sunshine.

«I have to get him home.»

«I know you will. I don’t know how, but I know you will bring him back to you.» Jack doesn’t look up from Miracle, still smiling at the dog as they continue, «you’ve never given up on him before, and you won’t do that this time either. Now that you are free from Chuck, there is nothing stopping you from having him. Having your happiness. And I wish for nothing else, you know, then for my two dads to live a life of free will and free love.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! 2020 has been a shitshow I never thought could exist, but we got canon Destiel (and two new ts albums - where one clearly confirms heller!Taylor) - something I never thought I would live to see.
> 
> let's hope 2021 is better, and that Destiel keeps on going canon.  
> "bye 2020, it's been weird."
> 
> (don't worry, Dean will have his Cas back soon, I promise. I'm not c*w)


	6. a blessed broken road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> * Sam wakes the next morning to the sound of rain, the room cooler than it was the night before. With a small shiver, he pulls Eileen closer, hugging her closer to his chest. A small and tired «morning» escapes her lips and all he can do is smile brightly at her as he kisses her forehead. Neither of them really wants to get up, both wanting to just stay like this for as long as possible. *

**_S A M_ **

It’s dark, and well past midnight when Sam and Eileen finally arrive in the small remote town by the mountains. She pulls the car into the motel parking lot, filling the comfortable silence of the car with a tired sigh, to which Sam answers with a tired but blissful smile.

They had been on the road for two days now and had already visited four hunters on the way. They all took the invitation to move to the bunker with such joy that Sam knew he was doing the right thing, gathering and establishing a new hunter community. Their joy would be worth all the hard work he knew it would be.

«I would say that today was a success.» Eileen smiles.

«Yeah, it was.»

«Come on, let's get some sleep. I think we have deserved it.»

Sam takes her hand in his as they head for the room they booked earlier. It's a quiet and charming old town and the fresh air tastes of forest and rain. They say you can smell it in the air, right before it starts to rain. Especially in places like this, far away from the big cities, the area surrounding by huge forests and beautiful nature. Looking up at the sky before they head through the door, Sam can see clouds passing by, each one heavier than the next.

It's a peaceful night.

Sam wakes the next morning to the sound of rain, the room cooler than it was the night before. With a small shiver, he pulls Eileen closer, hugging her closer to his chest. A small and tired «morning» escapes her lips and all he can do is smile brightly at her as he kisses her forehead. Neither of them really wants to get up, both wanting to just stay like this for as long as possible.

So much had happened in their lives the last couple of years, so these peaceful and quiet moments they could spend in each other's arms were treasured by both. But eventually, they get up, having to be on their way. Sam keeps a small smile on his lips, eyes shining with love.

Although the rain keeps pouring down all day, making it a slow but quiet day on the road. They don’t talk much while driving, just enjoying each other's company. Eileen enjoys watching the world go by outside the windows, almost getting lost between the trees of the big forest they keep passing through. Sam tries to keep up the good mood from this morning, but worry for his brother keeps distracting him. Eileen, of course, catches up on it right away but says nothing until they stop at a diner for dinner.

«Hey, love. What’s bothering you?» She asks as she sits on the hood of her car, eating a chicken burrito, her favorite, for dinner.

«It’s… I don’t know… I’m just worried, I guess.»

«About Dean?» Of course, she knows. Although they haven’t known each other for more than a couple of years, she knows him better than most people.

«Yeah.» His lips pull up in half a smile, half a pained grimace.

«And…» Eileen leans forward a bit to catch his eyes.

«And Cas.» He leans against the side of the car, turning to face her fully.

«Talk to me, Sam. I’m worried about Dean too, and I hope he finds a way, soon, to bring him back. But I hate seeing you worried, so if it would help to maybe talk about it? Then talk to me, love.» This woman is way too good for this world, Sam thinks, wondering how he got so lucky to get to know her.

«You know. Dean sees his life as a broken road, one that he is destined to follow. There are no exits, nowhere to pull the car in another direction. So all he does is keep on driving.» Sam watches the town in front of them. He goes quiet for a while until he continues, his voice is more distant as his mind is somewhere else. «He’s been on this road all his life. Dean has been by my side _my_ entire life, protecting _me_. His promise to protect, and take care of me, has been his whole life. But then… then Cas came around.»

Moments pass by as cars pass them, heading down the main street. It stopped raining an hour ago, but it still lingers in the air. Eileen patiently waits for Sam to continue, when he feels like it. It’s one of the many things he loves about her, how she understands him, and what he needs in moments like this. How kind she is, and caring.

«Dean´s been watching me all my life, living for _me_ to live. But with Cas, he started to live _his_ life too. I've never seen my brother be the way he is when he is with Cas. At first, they were simply best friends, and eventually, Cas became family, but then something changed. Something changed around the time they were lost in purgatory together. I don't know what, but he was different when he came back. Dean came back alone, and I’ve never seen him that broken. And then Cas returned. And it was as if Dean had regained the spark of life. Like he had found his reason for living again.»

«He was in love. Right?»

«Yeah,» Sam smiles at that. They’ve never talked about it before, and yet she understands it’s completely. Because it’s something that anyone can see when looking g at the hunter and the angel. «I didn’t understand it at first, but when I first saw it, I couldn’t help but not see it. It was in everything he did. Everything they did. The longing looks they shared. The careful words. Even the fighting and the harsh words. It was all there. When Cas died, we both lost him, but I also lost Dean. It was as if he had just given up, and he was slowly falling apart, falling from life. And then Cas returned, and once again Dean was _alive._ The road that Dean has driven all his life was suddenly running through heaven. Cas crashed into his life, and blessed this broken road that Dean had been on all his life.»

«He showed Dean what _living_ meant, not just existing, but _living_ ,» Eileen whispers as she slides from the hood of the car and moves towards him, pulling her arms around his waist, resting in his arm hook, her back against the car.

«One could almost believe that the broken road always has been leading them together. I’ve never seen anyone love someone the way they love each other. And yet they are both too stupid and blind to realize that that love is most definitely reciprocated. Those stupid idiots can’t see what’s been right in front of their noses, literally, for over a decade, even though they spent half their time together, staring into each others eyes, making it hella uncomfortable for anyone else in the room. Believe me, I know.» She laughs at that, making him laugh too because he knows that she knows exactly what he’s talking about.

«He´ll be fine, Sam. Dean will be fine. And so will Cas. And you, and me. We all will, we just need a moment to figure out how to get there. But we will.»

He smiles down at his wonderfully beautiful girlfriend. Pulling back slightly, he raises his hand to sign _I love you_ , accompanied by the brightest smiles he can remember to have smiled in weeks. She returns the smile with one of her own as she reaches up and kisses him.

«Your signing is getting better.» She says before she smiles even wider, and then signs _I love you too_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so for reading!
> 
> This was supposed to just be a destiel fic, but Sam and Eileen deserved so much better too. So, there will be some chapters with a SAM pov, to have some cute Saileen, but mostly to see Dean and Cas from the other´s perspective (we all know how blind the two of them are, and how everyone else can see them...).


	7. and you smile that beautiful smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is going to break him.
> 
> The eyes are wrong. 
> 
> It's not Dean. 
> 
> The eyes are wrong. 
> 
> This is going to break him.

**_C A S_ **

Mostly, Cas stayed asleep.

But, sometimes he would wake.

Cas doesn’t know why he would wake, because sometimes he woke up alone in the quiet darkness. But other times the Shadow would come to wake him.

The times he was awake was worse than the time he spent asleep. He remembers everything from the last time he was stuck here, but this time seemed to be even worse. The Shadow was angry now. Angrier than before. The Shadow claimed that Cas was the reason he couldn’t go back to sleep. But Cas has no idea how it could be his fault.

All he did was lay there. Lay there in the empty darkness. Regret and grief clouding his mind. And it was then that the torture occurred. When the angry Shadow kept him awake in the cruelest way possible.

Such as now.

«Castiel!» Cas sits up at the sound of his name, looking around to find the source. A few moments pass where he sits there, staring at the emptiness before he can see a figure in the distance.A figure approaching him. «Cas!»

With sad eyes, he follows the figure as he runs towards Cas. He can see his face now. Cas´s eyes tear up, but he refuses to let them free. Then he stands in front of Cas.

Dean´s eyes are the most beautiful Cas has ever seen. His bright smile like a star lighting up the empty. The man he had been in love with for so long. The man he had sacrificed everything for. The man he knew he couldn’t have, but still, Cas kept loving him. Until his last breath. Standing in front of him now, Dean was as beautiful as ever.

But.

Cas could not see his soul. And his eyes. They weren’t right. The Shadow never managed to get his eyes right. They were slightly the wrong shade of green. He never managed to get the pattern of freckles right either. Cas knew the pattern better than he knew his own name. So the eyes and the freckles always revealed it to be the Shadow.

The first time he had truly believed Dean had come for him. He had believed it to be _his_ Dean.

The second time, he took to studying his eyes, because he wanted to remember those bright green stars. That’s when he had noticed something was wrong. Cas knew after only a few moments of looking into his eyes. They were wrong.

The third time he saw it the moment Dean got close enough. The eyes. They were the wrong shade of green. And they did not shift in the same way the real Dean´s eyes did.

Knowing this wasn’t his Dean, standing in front of him, Cas also noticed that the Shadow got another thing wrong. Dean never called him by his full name when he was speaking directly to him. To Dean, Cas was always `Cas´. And the way the Shadow said his name was wrong too.

Now, by a look in Dean´s eyes, and the way he said his name, Cas knew this was, once again, the Shadow who had come back to torture Cas.

«Cas! There you are! I've been looking for you. I’m here to bring you home.» Dean took another step forward. As he came closer, Dean rested a hand on Cas´s shoulder. Even his touch felt wrong.

And still. It was Dean standing there. Even if the Shadow didn’t get everything right. It was still him.

Still Dean Winchester.

Still beautiful.

That was what hurt the most.

Cas took a step back, defying every instinct in his body that told him to move _closer_ to him. But he took a step back. «It’s better if you just let me sleep for an eternity. That way we could both have peace.»

«What are you talking about, Castiel?» Cas almost wants to laugh at how wrong the Shadow gets Dean, but still, it´s so close that one day, Cas knows it will break him.

«I know it's not Dean. And you know I know that.» At that, the figure starts to change. A black emptiness takes hold of Dean's body, and then the Shadow is standing in front of Cas.

«It's no fun when you do that, angel.» The shadow circles him, Cas following the motion to keep his eye on the black Shadow. «It is, however, funny how you think I would just let you sleep peacefully when you keep waking me up all the time.»

«I don't know how I do that, but I'll stop it if you stop coming to me as him.»

«Oh you poor, lovesick little angel. You keep waking me up with your longing and your regrets, and I hate being awake. And if I have to stay awake, I’m going to make sure that you suffer with me.»

At that, the Shadow disappears and Cas collapses into a restless sleep.

***

The next time the Shadow approaches him as Dean, it has chosen another attitude. This one is the one that is the easiest to put up with.

It is mostly just the Shadow, as Dean, yelling at Cas. Yelling at him for everything he has ever done wrong. All the awful things he has done. The things Cas regret.

The Shadow also tells Cas how much he hates him. It stings, hearing those words from someone that looks so much like Dean. It tells Cas that he isn’t loved. Or wanted. It hurts.

It also uses his last words against him. Telling Cas, as Dean, how he can never love him. How Dean could never love someone like him. Never love such an awful creature. That his feelings for Cas are only hatred and anger. Never love. It hurts.

But, Cas knows Dean never loved him like that. He knows he didn’t feel the same way. And all the while the empty is yelling at him, Cas has his eyes locked at Dean´s green ones. To remind him that this isn’t _his_ Dean. Even if Dean didn’t feel the same way as Cas did, he knows that Dean would never hurt Cas like this on purpose.

So he can handle the times the Shadow has Dean hate him.

***

The next time is worse.

This time, as the Shadow approaches him as Dean, Cas almost breaks. It's too real, and it's everything Cas has ever wanted for Dean to tell him. And Cas wants to believe him so badly. Wants to believe that this is _his_ Dean.

But. It’s still the wrong eyes. Still the wrong shade of green shining like a star in an ocean of empty darkness.

«Cas!» Dean comes running towards him. Embracing him when he gets close enough. For a moment Cas leans into the embrace, imagining for a moment that it´s _his_ Dean. «I found you. I finally found you.»

«Dean…» Cas closes his eyes so he won’t be looking into his eyes when he says it. He knows what comes next, and for just a moment he wants to think it´s real.

«Castiel. I have to tell you something.» Eyes still closed, Cas can feel Dean's hands cupping his face, his body moving closer to his so that they are standing as close as possible. «I should have told you a long time ago. I should have told you that night. I know I’m late, I’m sorry.»

«Dean…»

«No, Cas. Let me say it.» The next words are like a punch in his gut. A pain so severe Cas wants to let it break him. «I love you, Castiel. I love you too. I have since the moment I met you. I love you.»

A tear betrays him as it falls from Cas´s closed eyes. For just a moment longer, he wants to pretend it's actually Dean. But it's not.

As he opens his eyes, Cas places both of his hands firmly on Dean's chest. And pushes him away. Except, this time, Dean holds firmly on to Cas and they both stumble to the ground. Or what would be a ground, if there were such things in the Empty.

«Cas, I love you.»

«De… don´t do this to me. Not like this. Anything but this.»

The Shadow, in the shape of Dean, rolls him over, and lays against his chest, staring down at Cas.There aren’t enough freckles under his left eye. The ones on his right cheek, just above his jaw is too light.

The eyes are wrong.

The eyes are wrong.

The eyes are wrong.

Dean.

He smiles that beautiful smile of his. The smile that countless times has melted him. That smile on anyone else other than the real Dean is a cruel evil. His green eyes going from his lips to his eyes, and then back at his lips, Dean slowly leans closer.Smiling that beautiful smile.

This hasn’t happened before.

It makes Cas want to believe it's real.

It's not.

But, he wants it to be.

Frozen, laying beneath Dean, Cas stares at him, not able to move. He can feel Deans short breaths on his lips. All he has to do is lift his head slightly, and Cas would finally get to know what those lips feel like on his own. Instead, Cas closes his eyes.

This is going to break him.

The eyes are wrong.

It's not Dean.

The eyes are wrong.

This is going to break him.

When he opens them again, Dean is so close that Cas forgets to breathe. And then Dean's hands slowly move from his face to his throat. Holding Cas by his throat. Still staring at his lips, as close as possible without touching, a wicked grin spreads across Dean's face.

And his hands squeeze tight.

He doesn’t even fight it. Cas just stares sadly up into those green eyes. The eyes are wrong.

«I. Will. Never. Love. You.» Good, the anger is more bearable. The love is what breaks him. But this, he can endure. The Shadow, still appearing as Dean laughs as his hands keep choking the life out of the angel. «The look on your face. It's almost worth being awake for. To believe Dean Winchester would ever love you. A fool's hope, Castiel. You're a fool, Castiel.»

«I know.» He manages to choke out before he collapses in the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and for leaving comments / kudos! :)


	8. memories of warmth on a road not taken

**_D E A N_ **

The days alone in the bunker go by slowly, almost too slowly for Dean's liking. The books have given him nothing. The food doesn’t taste the same anymore. His nights are restless. He can’t concentrate on doing anything, he can’t even sit down to re-watch his favorite movies. Not even the alcohol he consumes seems to work. The only light in his days is Miracle, who seems to sense his sadness and tries to cheer him up. But not even Mir can make him forget reality. His head is so far away, his thoughts only on a pair of bright blue eyes. Dean is lost.

His hands keep turning pages of books, his eyes keep searching the words, but not his mind. His mind is on the many memories of the past twelve years, that he never thought he would need to hold on to, to be able to continue on. The memories of all the years he spent in hell, were blurry and distant in his mind. What he remembered were those eyes. And then the voice that spoke to him.

Memories from when they first got to know each other.

Memories of everything they had been through together.

Dean doesn’t really know when his feelings for the angel started to change, or if they had just been there all along, but he was too stupid to see it. But, he remembers when he first thought the thought. That he might be _in love_ with Cas, not just loving him as a friend or a brother, but that he was _in love_ with him. He tried to deny it for such a long time, after first exploring the thought. He suppressed those feelings because he knew the angel didn’t love him like that. He knew Cas didn’t feel the same way.Except, the angel had felt the same way.

He remembers the year in purgatory, how he spent a whole year fighting monsters and whatever else he faced there. The memory of longing for his best friend, having to find him and keep him safe. He was an angel, and still, Dean was determined to protect him with his life. It was sometime during that year in purgatory, that Dean started to really think about what his feelings for the angel meant. He spent a year looking for the angel, but also for an answer that had always been right in front of him.

And when he came back, without him, not having been able to save Cas, all Dean wanted to do was give up. He no longer had something to live for. He had a reason in Sam to stay alive, but it was Cas who had given him a reason to live. When Cas finally returned to Dean, he knew the answer. He knew he loved Cas in a way that scared him more than anything because he knew he would always be alone in feeling that way. Except, the angel had felt the same way.

Dean hid those feelings as if his life depended on them never being seen. Now, he wishes he hadn’t done that. He wishes he had taken that road instead. Wishing he had dared to turn onto the road that scared him more than anything.

He should have taken the road he hadn’t dared to take. A road that would have led him to warmth and love that he had only ever dared to wish for.

He had almost told him. Dean had almost told Cas that he loved him, more than once. But in the end, he hadn’t. He wishes he had.

When Cas had been controlled by Naomi, and he was about to kill Dean. When Dean was pleading for Cas to fight it, to fight back, he had almost said the words. The words had been on his lips, but they were never spoken. And then Cas broke free, something had broken the connection, and Dean almost, for a moment, though maybe his feelings were returned. He almost said the words then, but he was too much of a coward. So he tucked them away, both the feelings and the words.

And then when Dean had been resurrected as a demon, nothing could save him. Sam had tried everything to bring back Dean. But nothing worked. Dean had believed Cas to be dead, so he had given up and let the demon take over. And then Cas was there. Cas was alive. And so Dean started fighting. Sam had cured him, yes. But Cas was the reason Dean started fighting. Fighting against the demon. Cas was the cure. And yet. Dean was too much of a coward to tell him.

When Dean carried the Mark of Cain, he had almost killed Cas, fighting him. Cas had told him that even though everyone he loved would be long dead, Cas would be by his side. Dean wasn’t going to let him get out of that promise. Dean had been victim to the Mark, and yet, he couldn’t kill Cas. No matter what, possessed by demons, bewitched, carrying the Mark of Cain. No matter what, Cas was the one thing he could not hurt. Kill. Live without. Still, Dean remained a coward, never brave enough to tell the angel the truth.

He had almost told him. When they had gone back to purgatory to get the Leviathan Blossom. They had separated, and Dean was running out of time. He couldn’t find his way back to Cas. So he had prayed to him. And he had almost said the words out loud. Never before had he been that close to telling the angel about his feelings. And then he had found his way back to Cas. Dean had been so relieved that he almost screamed the words out loud at him.

Dean hadn’t realized why, before now, the angel had stopped him.

More grief, pain, and sorrow spread across his chest as he realizes why Cas had stopped him. With a short `I heard your prayer´ Dean had cowardly gone quiet. He didn’t know at the time, why, but Cas stopped him from saying the words. It led Dean to believe even more than the angel would, could, never love him. But now, now he knew why Cas had stopped him. The Empty would have come for him, Dean realizes now.

«You stupid son of a bitch, Cas!»

Cas had stopped Dean from saying the words to him that day because if he had, he most likely would have been taken by the Empty right there. Because the angel felt the same way. He had probably felt Dean's feelings bleeding through that prayer, and get scared at the thought of Dean telling him something that would get him killed. Because he felt the same way. Dean doesn't know if Cas knew about his true feelings since he said he could never have him, but somehow Cas must have felt something that made him stop those words.

And yet, the angel had still believed Dean to be something he could never have. _The one thing I want… it´s something I know I can’t have._ That stupid, stupid angel.

«You better let me get you back so I can tell you, or I’m going to kill you.»

Cas had died before Dean even realized what his words meant. For so long, Dean had believed that Cas didn’t, or couldn’t, feel love the same way humans did. Love the way Dean loved.

Cas died before Dean could tell him that he loved him back. He almost said it on several occasions, but he was always too much of a coward to speak the words out loud. Cas had died without anyone telling him they loved him.

Cas believing Dean doesn’t love him. He didn’t deserve to die believing Dean didn’t love him. Because he did. Oh, how he loved the angel.

Cas didn't deserve to die. He deserved to live. If anyone deserved to die, it was Dean, not Cas.

There was no way the empty would send back Cas, again. So he would go get him himself. Cas didn’t deserve to be left there all alone, he deserved to live. To love. To know he was loved.

Closing the book in front of him, Dean looks around at the empty and quiet library. It’s been a day since Jack came to visit him, and he is just about to give up for the day, having found nothing. Then he hears the sound of a book falling to the floor. Mir jumps from her place by Dean's feet, head turning to stare at the source of the sound. Dean looks to the bookshelf he had half-emptied today but there is no sign of a fallen book anywhere. Walking over to the shelf, he finds a small and black leather-bound book hidden behind the self. Dean picks it up and just stares at it, turning it over. It’s just a small insignificant old notebook. At least until he removes the thread holding it together.

The first page is almost completely covered in black ink. The next is the same, except there are some spots on the almost white paper still visible. The third page is also covered in ink, but the fourth one holds two words on the center of the page:

The Shadow.

The words are written in an old-fashioned beautiful handwriting, the kind only old people use these days. The sight of those two words makes him freeze, and when the turns to the next page after a long moment the two words there makes him drop the book:

The Empty.

Standing there in the middle of the floor staring at the book by his feet he has to catch his breath as he stopped breathing at the words.

For a long time, Dean just stands there, not able to move. Mir is staring up at him, expectantly waiting for Dean to do something.

Dean slowly picks up the book, handling it carefully, as if it's a holy treasure. The pages are filled with handwritten notes about the Empty, and about the Shadow that roams the void.

And how to get there.

And how to get out.


	9. the highway don't care if you're coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is standing in the middle of the room, one hand closed around one of his jackets. A green one with some kind of dried blood stain, fresh blood beside it. Dean's other hand hangs loosely by his side, blood dripping to the floor.
> 
> But. It's what’s in front of him that scares Sam the most. Eileen too. 
> 
> Dean doesn’t even turn to look at them, only moving closer to the black hole in the wall. He stops in front of it, lingering at the edge of the emptiness ahead.
> 
> «Dean.» His name is only a faint whisper on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anyone is even reading this? if so, thank you!  
> If anyone has been noticing and wondering about the chapter titles; yes, a lot of them are lyrics from (mostly) taylor swift songs (especially the Destiel album "evermore")...
> 
> I just really love using lyrics from songs I love, as inspiration when writing, especially emotional parts.

**_S A M_ **

“Don’t worry, Sam. I’m sure he’s okay.”

“You’re probably right, I’m just worried. I haven’t been able to reach him since yesterday morning.” Sam looks away, putting his phone back in his pocket. Sam and Eileen had been driving all day and although they were only a couple of hours away from home, they decided to stay the night at a cozy inn. «Let´s get some sleep, and then drive back home».

Tomorrow they would drive back home, getting everything ready for the new hunters to move in. They’d sought out the once they knew, and through them, they had found some more. Together they made quite a gang. Six new hunters, six new residents in the Men of Letter bunker. Six new friends, and hopefully sometime in the future, family.

Sam and Eileen had first gone to visit a friend of hers, a 29-year-old hunter, Alexander, who she had met ten years ago, when she helped him with a case, and since then they had become close friends. He grew up in a hunter family, but when his parents retired from hunting, he wanted to continue. When they met Xand, they were introduced to his husband, Leo. Turns out the 27-year-old hunter was an old acquaintance of the Winchester family. John Winchester had been an old friend of Leo’s father, and although Leo no longer had a relation to his father, he had been delighted to meet Sam again. They had been living on the road for the past three years, and when they were offered to make the bunker a home-base, they didn’t hesitate for a second.

Through Leo, Sam and Eileen got in contact with Taylor and Mathilda, a 31-year-old and 26-year-old hunter from the Apocalypse World, that had to continue hunting when they had come through the rift. Sam doesn’t remember meeting them before, but Taylor did look familiar. Mathilda was also a friend of Charlie. They had been more hesitant to the whole bunker, but two days later, they had called Eileen and told them that they would like to join the new hunter network, learning more about this world.

They had been in contact with the son of an old friend of Sam and Dean, Severin. They had known his mother once back in the days, and after she died last year, he had been on his own. He was young, only 22 years old, but a skilled hunter. Dean had helped him out on a case five years ago, and already then, he was skilled. He often lived on the road, and four years ago he had been working a tricky case, where he had met Alexandria. Her family was killed and she never managed to settle after that. When Sev had returned to her town half a year later, she wanted to try hunting, and he’d been teaching Alex the hunter-life since.

Leo, Xand, and Mathilda would be arriving at the bunker in three days, and Taylor, Severin, and Alex would join them the day after. Sam and Eileen had been talking about bringing more hunters, but they knew they had to start small to make things right. They had, however, got the word out to other hunters, about what they wanted to do, and several others were interested in joining them in the future.

Mathilda and Taylor would get their separate room, and the couples Leo and Xand, Severin and Alex, would get one of the bigger rooms. It wasn’t really a question about space, because if there was one thing they had in the bunker, it was space. They could probably fit twenty more hunters, even if they all wanted separate rooms, as there was a whole wing of the bunker the Winchester had never used, barley stepping a foot in there. It only needed some cleaning, some more furniture, and whatever decorations and renovations the new residents wanted to make a home.

Sam was still worried about the lack of contact from his brother today, but he had to smile at the thought of what they were going to do. He and Eileen had been talking a lot on the road about what they wanted to do. And he couldn’t wait to get started on forming this community, to make life easier for future generations of hunters.

Along with training and helping out the hunters, they would also start uploading and organizing the Men of Letters library to a hunters-only online network, that every hunter would have access to. It would make things easier for many, although Sam knows that some would curse them for «ruining» the business with modern technology and all that. But if it could save lives, Sam didn’t care about that because the meaning of the whole hunting business, was just that.

Saving lives.

***

Sam had spent most of his life on the road. Usually just him and Dean. They’ve been through so much together, the two of them. On the road, always on the road. Highway after highway. Coming from nowhere, not going anywhere.

Along the way, they had made their own family. With Cas. With Bobby. With Jack. With Eileen. They had made the bunker their home, something they hadn’t had since that fateful night, where they had lost everything. Until then, the road had been their home, their family.

Having been on the road for almost a week now, with Eileen, Sam couldn’t help but think back at how this used to be their life. The road had never been safe. Never welcoming. But always home. He still enjoyed the road, on occasion. But it was no longer home. No longer a highway without a destination. Their family, the family they had made along the way, that was their home now.

Dean was his home.

Eileen was his home.

Jack was his home.

Cas was his home.

Cas… he would be back. Sam knows it. Sam knows that Dean will never stop looking for a way to bring him home. He would be looking until his last breath if needed.

«Hey, what are you thinking about?» Eileen interrupts his thoughts, Sam turning to smile at her.

«I… I was just thinking about our life. About our home.» Sill watching the road ahead of him, he turns his head slightly, so that Eileen can watch him.

«The road.» He smiles. «That was our home. Our friend. Our family. The road was everything. Going south for a ghost case. North to kill a demon. East for a nest of vampires. West for a werewolf gone wild. It was all we had, Dean and I. It's the only thing that most hunters have.»

«But the road doesn’t care about you, or where you go. You can go in every direction, turn into every road or side road. Whatever highway your headlights turn to. But the road doesn’t care.

The road won’t care if you live, or if you die. It might lead you on your way all alone, but the highway don't care if you're all alone. The road will be your whole life, but the road won’t hold you when you need, dry your tears, or wait for you to come home.

That all up to us. To take care of each other. To be there when needed. To be a home for each other. We live on the road, but the road don’t care. So we have to.»

Eileen smiles sadly at him, understanding perfectly what he means.

«But we broke free. The road let us go. And now the road is just a chapter, not the whole book. We chose the road when we like, and chose home when we need it.» He goes quiet for a while. «These past few days with you, on the road, they’ve been a comfort. Knowing that we can go _home,_ knowing we are going somewhere. Knowing we have each other.»

«I always found the road to be a comfort in itself, but then… then I met you, and Dean. And you showed me what a real home is. I haven’t had a family since I was 14, and you showed me, reminded me what family is. I love you, Sam.»

«I love you, Eileen» he whispers, nearly moving his lips, but she sees as reaches over to hold his hand. Smiling as he watches the world go by outside the window, Sam realizes he’s finally happy. Finally living. They’d made a home, together. They defeated Chuck, free to write their own story. He’s _happy_.

Sam is still smiling when he and Eileen get home. Parking the car, Sam can see that the impala hasn’t been moved, at all. Dean would often use the garage as a calming place. Fixing up his car, or another. He would retreat to the garage if he became too restless, not able to do anything, especially the times he’d lost someone. Lost Cas. But no one has been in the garage since they left.

The bunker library is dark, only a small table lamp lights up the table closest to the hallway, which is also dark. Heading down the stairs Eileen turns on the lights, showcasing the mess of the library. Sam just stares.

If the situation had been different, Sam would have yelled at his brother for making such a mess of the library. Books are everywhere. On the floor. On the tables. On the chairs. Some opened. Some closed. Some has fallen out from the shelf. Some thrown across the room.

«Oh, Dean…» Eileen looks up at Sam, who is still standing at the bottom of the stairs. Not able to say anything. She reaches out and touches his hand, unfreezing him.

«Dean!» Sam's voice is hoarse, as he moves. «DEAN!»

Sam runs across the library, Eileen following closely. Sam calls for his brother, but there are no answers. The kitchen is dark and empty as he bursts through the door. He only takes a second to look around, before he’s running again. The huge room they’ve been talking about turning into a living room hasn’t been touched since they left. Sam´s heart is beating faster for each step he takes.

«DEAN!» For only a second he stops in front of Dean's bedroom, his hand on the doorknob.

Empty.

«Sam.» He turns to face her, her eyes just as scared and worried as his. «Cas, where he lost Cas.»

«The dungeon.» She only nods as they both turn to sprint down the hallway, not getting there fast enough.

He can hear a low whisper as he reaches the door.

_Dean. What’s he doing?_

Slamming open the door, Sam is both relieved by the sight that meets him and scared as hell.

Dean is standing in the middle of the room, one hand closed around one of his jackets. A green one with some kind of dried blood stain, fresh blood beside it. Dean's other hand hangs loosely by his side, blood dripping to the floor.

But. It's what’s in front of him that scares Sam the most. Eileen too.

Dean doesn’t even turn to look at them, only moving closer to the black hole in the wall. He stops in front of it, lingering at the edge of the emptiness ahead.

«Dean.» His name is only a faint whisper on his lips.

He did it. He found a way. He is going to him.

But at what cost?

«I´ll be back when he’s with me.» If it hadn’t been for the dead quiet of the room, Sam would never have caught Dean's words. He almost doesn’t hear them, even in the quiet.

Dean steps forward.

Onto an unknown road.

Into the darkness.

Doesn’t turn to look back.

And then he is taken by emptiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to imagine that something like this is what really happened after they defeated Chuck and got everyone back. Sam wanted to keep hunting, and he wanted to create some kind of community, or network, like this, for hunters. Eileen would of course be by his side, kicking ass and training future generations of hunters. They would be amazing together, establishing something like this.  
> (we all know that this is what really happened after 15x19 right? 15x20 didn't happen).
> 
> Also, the new hunters introduced in this chapter are original characters, that I made up at 3 am last night. They won't be very important to the story, but I wanted to add some more hunters because this is how I feel the show should have ended. 
> 
> Sam and Eileen establishing the hunter community. New and/or lonely hunters using the bunker as a home base, just like the Winchesters. This is what Sam was destined to do if you actually care about the 15 years of character development. And Dean sure as hell didn´t die on a hunt because he retires to live the life he deserves, just like Sam lives how he should.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	10. dark emptiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “His eyes. You got the green right this time. That’s a first.”
> 
> “Wh...”
> 
> “Even the freckles.” Cas raises his hand, stretching it out to cup Deans face. His thumb gently strokes the space underneath his left eye. “The pattern is so right I almost believe it’s him.”

**_D E A N_ **

Blood dripping from his fingers.

Eyes blinded by the darkness.

Heart beating too fast.

Breaths too slow.

The Empty is just as horrible as it sounds. It takes a few moments before Dean adjusts to this place, but all the while, his mind and body is screaming for him to get out of here. This is not a place for a human.

But he won’t leave until Cas is with him.

So he starts searching for the angel.

Starts into the void.

Dean doesn’t know how long he’s been walking, but it already feels like forever. His watch stopped working. His phone just as dead. So he just keeps walking.

At one point, Dean is so tired from walking that he just wants to lay down and sleep. Or at least sit down and rest for a while. But he don’t. He keeps walking. Keeps searching the quiet.

And then.

A feeling.

A longing.

He’d been praying to Cas while walking. Longing for him to appear for Dean. Willing him to find his way to Dean. And now, something tugs at him. He doesn’t know why, but he knows what, or who. This has to be what it felt like to Cas, when Dean was praying or longing for him.

Dean picks up his pace, eager to find the angel as fast as he can. But the darkness stretches further and further. Dean had probably been walking for a day now, if not two. He doesn’t know. It could have been an hour, or a week for all he knows. But he keeps walking.

Sometimes the tug is stronger. Sometimes the tug is only a faint feeling. Sometimes it disappears completely.

And then.

In the distance.

A figure.

Dean is almost running now. He screams his name inside his head. He won’t speak until he has him in his arms. He can’t risk waking the Shadow just yet. But he screams Cas’s name as a prayer.

The figure is laying on the ground, peacefully. Dead quiet. But he’s still alive, Dean can feel it.

_Cas_.

He found him.

_Cas_.

Running faster than he ever has before, Dean reaches Cas and falls to his knees in front of him. His eyes are slightly opened, but not focused. Dean cups his face in his hands, turning his face towards Dean so that Cas finally _sees_ him.

“Cas.” Dean leans closer and whispers his name. “ _Cas_.”

At the sound of his name, Cas fully opens his eyes as he sits up. Confused and wild, the blue eyes searches the void around them, before they finally lands on him. Locking their gazes, Deans face breaks into a bright smile, as tears start streaming down his face.

“Cas.”

Slowly, Cas’s eyes becomes clearer as he becomes more aware. Turning his body so that it’s facing Dean, their eyes are leveled and Cas seem to actually see Dean for the first time.

“Dean...?” His voice is only a small and hoarse whisper in the darkness. At the sound of his voice, Dean can’t hold himself back anymore and throws his arm around the angel, embracing him for a long moment. He doesn’t want to let go of the angel, but they aren’t safe yet.

“Cas. It’s me. I’ve come to being you home. I’m not leaving you here.”

“You’re not real.” Cas says with a sad whisper, breaking eye contact to look down at his hands that are nervously shaking in his lap.

“Wha... Cas. It’s me.” But he won’t hear him. “Cas. Look at me.”

He shakes his head.

“Look at me, Cas!” This time he does. He takes to study Deans eyes, his blue ones searching for something.

“You got it right this time. I’ll give you that.” He smiles sadly at Dean, who doesn’t understand.

“What are you talking about, man?” Dean sits back on his heels. Hands resting limply in his lap.

“His eyes. You got the green right this time. That’s a first.”

“Wh...”

“Even the freckles.” Cas raises his hand, stretching it out to cup Deans face. His thumb gently strokes the space underneath his left eye. “The pattern is so right I almost believe it’s him.”

That makes Dean realize what’s been happening to the angel.

“That stupid son of a bitch.” Dean mutters as he stares into Cas’s eyes.

“You called?” A voice suddenly speaks from behind Dean. When he raises and turns around he almost falls to the ground again. In front of Dean, another Dean is standing in the darkness. Same face. Same clothes as he’s wearing himself at the moment.

The Shadow. The Shadow had been appearing as Dean for Cas.

“Well, this one is new.” Cas almost sounds amused as he stands and walks to his side. The Shadow laughs at that.

“Oh, poor little angel.” The Shadow in front of them grins wickedly at Cas. Dean takes a step forward, as to keep the angel safe from the creature in front of them. “You really are blinded.”

“No...” Cas reaches Deans side, hand on his shoulder turning him so that they are facing each other. “The Shadow never gets the green right.”

“Cas.” Dean needs him to believe it’s real, or he don’t know if he’ll be able to get them out of there.

“Not the freckles either.”

“Cas, listen...”

“The way you say my name. Only Dean says my name like that.” Cas smiles sadly at Dean as some kind of realization crosses his eyes. “You shouldn’t have come for me.”

“Finally something we can agree on, Castiel.” The name sounds wrong coming from the Shadow.

Dean is about to move closer to Cas, but the Shadow moves quicker. Suddenly the other `Dean’ is standing behind Cas. And as he places his hand on top of Cas’s head, the angel collapses at their feet.

“NO!” Instantly, Dean drops to his knees, pulling the angel closer, resting his back against Deans thighs, supporting him and getting him away from the evil creature who is laughing at him with an amused look in his eyes. “Cas!”

“Dean Winchester himself. Losing himself in the void of darkness, only to get his hands on one insignificant trench-coat-wearing angel.”

“Wake him up!”

“Ha! And where would the fun be in that?”

“Send us back, let me take him home.”

“And,” the Shadow starts walking, circling the two as he drags the words out, “what do I get in return for doing so?”

“Send us back, awake, together. And I’ll let you go back to sleep.”

“Seriously? That’s your bargaining chip?”

“It’s a good deal. You let one angel go, and we let you go back to sleep. Never to bother you again.” Dean keeps an eye at the Shadow as it keeps walking around him, slow steps. He looks down at the angel in his lap, gently stroking his hand through the black hair.

“What makes think I can’t just have that if I want to? I can just throw you out, lock the door, never to hear from you again.”

“I’ll come back.”

“Right...”

“I mean it, I’ll come back again, and again, and again. I’ll make sure you never sleep again in your miserable existence. I’ll come back to torture you while keeping you awake. Until you give me my angel back.”

The Shadow narrows his eyes, a sour look on his face.

Without hesitation, Dean quickly pulls out an angel blade, hidden in the sleeve of his jacked. From his pocket he pulls out a small, round glass ball, tied to a chain. It was only the size of a small clinker.

“NO! DONT YOU DARE WINCHESTER.” The Shadow screams at him and start reaching for the blade. But it’s too late.

With a small flick of his writs, Dean makes a shallow cut at Cas’s throat.

The cut starts to glow brightly.

Dean places the glass ball close to the wound and watches as the angels grace leaves Cas, absorbed into the small ball of glass, which starts to faintly glow a bright light. As Dean looks up he can see that the Shadow has transformed into its true form. A black shadow. Red eyes glowing in anger.

“You...” Anger radiates from the figure.

But it can’t touch them. Dean smiles at it.

“Send us back. I won’t ever return here. I promise. If you send us back.” In his lap, Cas stirs. Awakening, slowly, as the Shadow no longer holds any power over him. “I’m human. And without his grace, so is Cas.”

“No wonder every single being I’ve met has cured the Winchesters. You make all our existence so difficult with all your ‘being a hero’ stupidity. The Winchesters should have been destroyed before they even existed.” Oh, yes. The Shadow is real pissed off now, Dean thinks as he smiles down at Cas.

“You can’t keep us here. Humans doesn’t belong here. So you have to send us back. And if you don’t. Jack will come for another visit.” Dean can see that the name has an effect on the Shadow.

“You wouldn’t dare...”

“If I’m not back by the time we set, he will barge in here, wake every single being resting here. And turn them against you. You will never sleep again. You’ll spend the rest of eternity having to deal with all the angry creatures you’ve got trapped in here.” It’s a long shot, and Dean hopes the Shadow can’t tell that he’s lying. Eventually, Jack would probably come looking for them, when Sam went crazy for waiting for him to return. But how much time passed in the human world, Dean didn’t know. So how long they’d stay here, Dean didn’t know...

“You better pray that this is the last time I ever lay eyes on you or that angel again.”

“Don’t worry. I don’t wanna see you either. Ever again. Now send us back.”

The red eyes of the Shadow glows even stronger now, and the figure of darkness starts to dissolve.

“Tik... tok...” Dean pretends to look at the time, raising his arm to show his watch. “Time’s running out on you, bitch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this fic turned out waaaayy longer than I had planned. First, I was going to write just a short tumblr post, but that turned out to be a one chapter fix it fic... and now I have three more chapters in my drafts and I don't feel like I´m done anytime soon, so I have no idea how long this is going to be, but I am having way to much fun writing this. I think this is my new therapy (that I definitely need after the episode-that-shall-not-be-mentioned).
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	11. wherever you stray I follow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is the first to move. Crawling. Towards Cas.
> 
> His body hitting Cas’s like a sinking ship as he embraces him.
> 
> Cas can feel tears on his face. But he’s not sure if they are his own, or Deans. Or both. He’s not sure how much time passes, as they both loses themselves in the embrace. Deans hand finds it way to Cas’s hair, pulling them even closer to each other as Dean runs his hand through the dark and soft hair.
> 
> “Don’t ever leave me again, you dumb son of a bitch.” The words would have sounded rough coming from anyone else. But Cas can hear the softness of his voice. If Cas didn’t know better, he’d say it almost sounded like it was filled with love.

**_C A S_ **

Cas is met with empty darkness as he opens his eyes. But he’s not alone.

“Cas...?” Dean whispers his name carefully, his eyes shining bright as Cas half turns to look at him. A glowing glass ball hangs in a chain around his neck. But it is Dean's eyes that Cas takes to study. His stare is met with a sad but bright and loving smile. Dean takes his hand in his, holding on tight to support Cas.

“Dean. Is it really you?” Resting his back against Dean's body, Cas half sits on the ground.

“It’s me, Cas. It’s me.”

He says his name right.

His freckles have the right shade and pattern.

His eyes are right.

A movement in front of him steals his attention away from Dean, and as Cas turns he can see the Shadow standing in front of them. But... it’s slowly dissolving.

“You better keep your promise, Winchester.” And then the Shadow is gone.

And then the darkness is lit up.

And then the empty is filled.

As the Shadow throws them out of the void, Dean and Cas are thrown away from each other as they crash to the floor of the bunker. They land almost on the exact spot where Cas stood as he was taken by the empty. The room is shaking as if an earthquake had hit the bunker, but it quickly dies down as the black hole in the wall closes up, leaving nothing.

Their hands still intertwined.

Dean growls from beside him, drawing Cas’s attention to him. Half in shock, they just lay there on the floor, staring at the other's eyes. Neither fully believing they made it out. Together.

They speak a single word at the same time, breaking the deafening silence.

“Cas?”

“Dean?”

At the sound of the other man’s voice, they both collapse in relief. Exhaustion hitting both of them hard. But neither of them can stop smiling.

Dean is the first to move. Crawling. Towards Cas.

His body hitting Cas like a sinking ship as he embraces him.

Cas can feel tears on his face. But he’s not sure if they are his own, or Deans. Or both. He’s not sure how much time passes, as they both lose themselves in the embrace. Dean's hand finds its way to Cas’s hair, pulling them even closer to each other as Dean runs his hand through the dark and soft hair.

“Don’t ever leave me again, you dumb son of a bitch.” The words would have sounded rough coming from anyone else. But Cas can hear the softness of his voice. If Cas didn’t know better, he’d say it almost sounded like it was filled with love.

Cas buries his head in the space between Dean's neck and shoulder, drawing in a trembling breath. For just a moment he wants to know what it feels like to hold Dean like this. Being held by Dean like this. He wants to forget the world and just get lost in this moment.

Unfortunately, no one really gets what they wish for deep in their hearts. Their silence is broken by quick footsteps in the hallway coming towards them. Cas starts to pull away from the embrace, but Dean only holds him tighter.

“Don’t. Don’t let go just yet.” So Cas falls back against Dean's shoulder, breathing a little easier now.

Sam comes running into the room, and a moment later, a fluffy and cheerful dog comes running in. It crosses the room towards them but stops short at the sight of Cas. Curious eyes studying him and Dean.

“Dean! Oh my... Cas!” Sam exhales loudly, clearly relieved at the sight of them. “Are you okay?”

“We’re good, little brother. We’re good.” Dean pulls back from the hug but sitting there on the floor close to each other, his eyes never leave Cas. A hand cups his face as they stare at each other.

The younger Winchester stares at them with a questioning look when no one elaborates, too caught up in each other. Win a short, “I’m gonna go tell Eileen and Jack” Sam leaves the room again.

The dog, who had been eyeing them, comes closer, clearly curious. The movement catches Dean's attention and as he turns his face to the dog, the animal launches himself into Dean's lap. Greeting Dean with a wet kiss, the dog barks happily. Dean smiles at the dog, his hand leaving Cas’s face to hug the dog.

“Good boy! Yeah, good boy!” When he looks back up at Cas, he smiles fondly. “Cas, I want you to meet Miracle. Mir, this is Cas. Yeah _, the_ Cas I’ve been telling you about!”

The dog seems to understand him as he turns his whole being around to place his front paws on Cas’s thighs. Cas smiles at that, greeting Miracle with gentle strokes on his head as the dog looks questionably at him. “Hello, there. Aren’t you a gorgeous little one?”

“We found him a while after you... and then when Jack brought everyone back, no one claimed him. So I brought him back home with us.” Dean smiles, clearly already caring deeply for the dog.

“He’s adorable.” Cas smiles, as Dean chuckled at the sight of them.

Exhausted, they sit there in silence, taking in the sight of each other, the dog sitting between the two of them clearly enjoying being cuddled by them both until they hear footsteps approaching them.

Eileen and Jack greet them with huge smiles, and everyone gives Cas a hug after he raises from the floor. Jack´s hug lasting longer than the others. Jack melts into the embrace as Cas holds his son tight. Dean keeps close to him all the time.

“Cas, what happened to your throat?” Sam asks after pulling away from the hug. Cas places his hand on his throat finding a cut, still bleeding.

“Oh, it’s...” Dean turns to face Cas, pulling the glass ball from the chain and holding it up to Cas. “I had to remove your grace to be able to bring us back. I left only a small grain so that I was sure you would make it. But it’s all in here.”

“Keep it safe for me, Dean.” Cas closes his hand over Dean's. Hiding away the glass ball in the closed palm of his hand. Dean only nods at that, his cheeks blushing slightly.

“How... how long was I gone?” Dean turns to his brother. Pulling the chain over his head again, the glass ball resting against his chest.

“You were gone for four and a half-day, Dean. We were worried sick.”

“Four days? Really? I didn’t know four days could feel that long.”

“Yeah... Now I really hope you’ll stop scaring me like that and just stay here. Safe. Both of you.” Sam looks at them both in turn with a worried look, but then a smiles cracks on his lips.

“Come on, we should get you all some food.” Eileen smiles as she takes Sam's hand and leads then towards the door.

Cas moves to follow the others from the room, but as he starts moving, the exhaustion takes over and he sways on his feet, falling into Dean who was walking behind him.

“Cas?! Are you okay?” He can feel himself getting weaker and weaker. Only wanting to lay down and rest. If it hadn’t been for Dean holding him, he would already have fallen to the floor.

“He might be drained of... well everything since he spent so long there,” Jack says as they pass Sam to approach Cas. “I could heal the cut and bump up your levels, but that might make it worse. You’ve been locked away In the void for so long, with no access to your power or anything. I don’t know how you’d react to my power if I tried to heal you. Especially since Dean had to drain your grace. You should probably get some proper rest. You’ll need it, whether you want your grace returned or if you stay human.”

“Okay, come on angel. Let's get you some rest.” Dean says as he leads him down the hall towards the bedroom he’s been assigned, but never really used. But then Dean passes Cas’s room, leading him into his own.

Sam and Eileen have already headed for the kitchen to get some food for them. Jack follows Dean and Cas, and after making sure they are both alright, having studied them both inside and out to make sure. When they are happy with Dean and Cas being alright, Jack tells them about the things he has to go take care of. Cas suspects they’ll close of any entry to the void, so that the Shadow has no way of reaching them, no matter what. Cas says nothing, only smiles exhausted as Jack hugs him once more. Jack had been in the bunker for a few days, so there were other things to take care of too, as the new and improved ‘God’ they’re responsible for a lot. But Jack promises they’d be back as soon as they could.

When Jack leaves, Cas is too tired to do or say anything and gladly collapses on the bed.

Dean moves to his closet, pulling out some clothes.

“Here, change into these. They are way more comfortable than that suit of yours. I’ll go find you something to eat and drink. I’ll be right back.” He seems nervous, voice shaky as he speaks, not wanting to meet Cas’s eyes this time. But as he reaches the door Dean hesitates, looking back to Cas.

“Thank you, Dean. For everything.” His voice is sleepy and barely loud enough to hear.

“Of course, angel. I’ll be back in a second.”

Cas dresses in the sweatpants and hoodie Dean gave him, and the moment his head rests back against Dean's pillow, he falls into a deep and comfortable sleep.

He knows he should wait until Dean returns with food, he’ll need it now as he’s human.

And he wants to talk to Dean. Clear the air. Tell him that even though he said those things before he was taken, he doesn’t expect anything from Dean. He only wants his family back.

For everything to be as it was.

But sleep gets him before he can finish the thought. He’s finally gotten away from the empty.

Finally safe.

Finally home.


	12. human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's hand lingers by his face, gently stroking it before he takes some of the food from his plate.
> 
> He should have said it already.  
> He should have said it already.
> 
> Dean, you fucking coward, he thinks to himself as he studies Cas.

**_D E A N_ **

Dean isn’t gone for long, but as he returns to his bedroom, hands nervously carrying a tray with two plates filled with food, Cas is already sound asleep. He sets down the tray on his desk, moving to spread his blanket over the resting body. Dean's hand lingers by his face, gently stroking it before he takes some of the food from his plate.

He should have said it already.

_He should have said it already._

_Dean, you fucking coward,_ he thinks to himself as he studies Cas. He’d promised himself that he would tell the angel how he felt. Tell him as soon as he got the opportunity, finally say the words he’s been holding back all these years. The words he could finally say, and had been needing to say out loud for the last two months. He´d wanted Cas to be the first to hear them, so he hadn’t said them out loud to anyone. But now that Cas was back, Dean found the words as hard to say as ever.

He needs Cas to hear them.

And yet, when Dean finally had the chance to say it all, his whole brain went numb. Not a single word forming as he sat there in the dungeon, staring at the other man. He couldn’t tear his eyes off the angel, and yet, not a single word left him.

Exhausted and _finished_ , Dean heads for the bathroom to wash his face and change his clothes, Cas is still sleeping when Dean returns, so Dean heads for the lounge chair that Cas always claims. He doesn’t mean to fall asleep right away, but he’s out like a light the moment he leans back, feet outstretched and resting on the bed.

He wakes sometime later to the sound of Cas restlessly sleeping, turning over in Dean's bed, seeming to not find any peace. Dean moves to his side, sitting down at the edge of the bed, gently waking the angel.

“ _Dean_!” It’s barely a whisper but the way Cas says his name it sounds like a scream.

“Hey, Cas. You’re okay. It’s okay. You’re safe.” He gently whispers in return.

“Dean. Am I... Are we...” half-awake, Cas looks around, eyes are not really focused, mind not really awake.

“You’re okay Cas, I’m here.” Dean rests a hand at the other man’s shoulder.

“Will you stay?”

“Always.”

“Don’t leave, please.” Cas whispers, but the words still reach Dean as he reaches out to take Dean's hand, and a tear escapes down his face, still half lost in sleep.

“I’m not going anywhere without you.”

Before he can talk himself out of it, before his coward heart wins again, Dean lays down beside the angel. Laying on his side, he studies his face, as Cas falls back into a more peaceful sleep. With a smile on his lips, so does Dean, only moments later.

Neither of them has slept this good for a very long time.

***

When Dean wakes again some time later, almost fully rested, and finds that his hand had some time during his sleep, reached out and taken Cas’s hand.

Slightly tightening his grip on Cas´s hand, Dean smiles at the quiet room. Their hands intertwined, rested above his heart.

Looking around the room, he can see that someone has turned off all the lights. The two lamps, one on each side of his bed, had been dimly lit when he fell asleep. The light in the hallway has also been turned off. And the food on his desk is long gone, not even his half-empty class has been left on his desk. Most likely Sam who had come to look for them, finding them both asleep.

Careful not to wake Cas, Dean reaches for his phone on his nightstand, the time shows 3:57 PM, but he can’t even remember what day it was when he went to sleep. So he sends a text message to his brother, not wanting to move from his bed. Only seconds later he can hear footsteps coming down the hall, the light outside his room turns on before his door is slowly and quietly opened.

“Hey, Dean,” Sam says in a low voice. “I was starting to wonder if any of you were ever going to wake up. You’ve been sleeping for almost 72 hours now...”

_3 days._

“Seriously?” He whispers back.

“Yeah. You sure you okay?” Sam's eyes linger on Dean's face, before moving to study Cas. And then to their hands resting on Dean's chest. Dean doesn't answer him, he doesn't need to, his brother only needs to look at their intertwined hands, and see the calm in Dean's eyes, to have his answer. “Eileen is making dinner, so if you two want to join us, it should be ready in about an hour.”

“What is she making?” Dean gives his brother a bright smile at the mention of food.

“Lasagna. And there might be some pie for dessert.” Sam smiles as Dean's face lit up with an even brighter smile. Eileen's famous lasagna has become a favorite in the bunker, and Dean never passes an opportunity to eat the best lasagna he knows. Sam takes the smile as a yes, and closes the door, leaving Dean to wake Cas.

Turning over on his side, he studies the angel for a long moment. Memorizing the peaceful expression of sleep. But not for too long. He’s not leaving this room until he’s said his words. Even if there is lasagna and pie at stake.

“Cas.” He gently shakes Cas’s shoulder, still holding onto his other hand. “Cas, wake up.”

It takes a couple of tries before Dean finally gets a reaction. A human-Cas seems to be a heavy sleeper. Cute, too.

“Hey.” Dean smiles as he finally opens his eyes to look at Dean. Cas gives him a smile in return as he tries to rub the sleep from his eyes.

“Hello, Dean.”

_Oh, how much more beautiful those words sound than the once he said that night._

“Hello, Cas.”

“How long have I been asleep?” His eyes wander from Dean to their hands, resting above his heart. He doesn't say anything about it, but Dean notices the way his lips carefully smiles at them.

“We’ve been sleeping for three days.” Dean has to chuckle at the expression Cas gives him. “Yeah... let's not do that again. The whole spent-way-too-long-in-a-empty-void.”

“I’d like not repeating that.” Cas turns his body, so that he’s on his side, fully facing Dean. “Thank you. For saving me. For coming for me.”

“Never doubt that I’ll come for you, Cas. I’ll follow wherever.”

_Come on, Dean. Say it. Come on, you stupid son of a bitch._

“Dean. About... about the things I said.” It takes a moment before Cas is able to meet his eyes, continuing. “I don’t expect anything from you. I need you to know that it’s okay that you don’t feel the same...”

“What..?”

“I don’t want anything to change betwe...” he doesn’t get to finish as Dean interrupts him, finally finding the courage to speak.

“Cas. Stop. I need to say something.”

“No, it’s okay Dean.”

“Cas. Let me speak. You said all those things to me that night, and I didn’t even get the chance to say anything back.”

“I’m sorry about that. I wasn’t actually expecting to have to deal with it. I didn’t think you want to save me aft...”

Dean interrupts him again.

But this time, not with words.

Using their intertwined hands to pull Cas closer, reaching out with his other hand to cup his face, Dean leans towards Cas and silences him by crashing their lips together in a long-awaited kiss. Sometimes the action is easier than the words. The soft feel of his lips. The way their faces fall together perfectly like pieces of a puzzle. It's everything he has ever dreamed of. 

A kiss to make up for a decade of silence.

A kiss unlike any other, neither of them have ever had.

At first, Cas is too shocked by the action that he freezes, but when it’s clear that Dean isn’t pulling away, Cas finally leans into the kiss, melting against him. He reaches up to hold on to the hand Dean is resting against Cas’s face. 

It’s the kiss of a lifetime.

One having lived only one life, the other many.

And still, nothing can compare.

Its everything. 

“I need to say something, too,” Dean says as he pulls away from the kiss. But not from Cas. Their lips are still so close that Dean can almost feel Cas’s as he speaks. “You can’t just do something like that, man. You can’t just tell me you love me, that you want me. And then disappear from me.”

Cas, speechless from the kiss, watches him with his intense blue eyes. Eyes that seem brighter than ever before. The blue is even more beautiful up close.

“For years, I’ve known that I’ve wanted you. And for years I’ve believed you didn’t experience feelings the same way I do, not wanting me like that. Cas, I’ve been in love with you for years.” He smiles as he closes his eyes, resting their foreheads together. “The moment you told me you loved me was the best moment in my entire miserable life. The moment you said you wanted me the way I’ve wanted you for so long, I’ve never been happier. But losing you, again, is the worst moment in existence, I don't ever want to lose you again. I’ve spent the two longest months of my life looking for a way to get you back. And now that I’ve finally got you here with me, I need you to know this. I might have been too much of a coward to never voice my feelings for you, but they have always been there.”

Dean draws in a shaky breath.

“Cas, you’ve always had me. You’re the only one who has ever truly had me. The only one that got me in every way possible. And I don’t want it any other way. I want you, and only you. I don’t know what you want to do with your life now that we are all free to actually live, but if you’ll have me, I’ll follow you wherever you go. And I know it's selfish of me to beg this of you, but please don´t leave me, stay with me forever. Don't leave me ever again." Dean pauses for a moment, breathless from his own words, the rawness of them. "I love you, Cas."

When he opens his eyes again, he can see that, like himself, Cas has not been able to hold back the tears. He brushes his thumb across his cheek to dry away his tears, and smiles as Cas does the same to Dean's tears.

"Of course I love you Cas. There is nothing in all my life, I've been more sure of than that. I love you too."

Then Cas is kissing him.

And if Dean thought their first kiss was the best thing he has ever experienced, then Cas’s kisses will for sure kill him slowly. Kiss by kiss.. _Nothing_ has felt this good. Nothing in his life has ever felt this good. Felt this right

Their kiss is like the answer to a question they’ve both been asking all their life. It’s a lifeline in a cruel world.

An anchor in a storm.

A light in the dark.

It’s everything Dean has ever dreamt of. Longed for. Needed. 

_Everything_.

“I think... I know, that I want to stay with you. I want to be with you. Live with you. Love you. I want to grow old with you. I want you, so I’m not going anywhere either, without you.” Cas’s word is only a quiet whisper against his lips, but they heal Dean's soul and heart in a way he didn’t think possible.

“That’s good,” Dean answers as he pulls Cas closer to hug him tighter than ever, burying his face in his neck. Never wanting to ever let go of him again. “Because. I want to live. I want to love. And I think I’m ready. To live a life to love. And there is no one else I love more than you.”

Then Dean is kissing him again, seeming to suddenly be addicted to the other man's lips. Not able to get enough of his sweet and gentle touches.

Time passes without them noticing. Too caught up in each other. In their kisses. In their embraces. In their words.

They only separate when a voice down the hall calls them for dinner.

They raise from the bed, and the moment they meet by the door, Dean takes Cas’s hand in his, stopping them both. Turning to face Cas, his other hand moves to the necklace he’s got tucked away under his hoodie.

«Do you… do you want this back?» Dean whispers as he holds it up, the little glass ball glowing faintly in his hand. He looks at Cas carefully, suddenly almost nervous.

«I meant it when I said I wanted to grow old with you, Dean. We’ve known each other for so many years now, and I have loved you for every single one of them. This…» Cas points between them, before he takes a step closer to Dean, tucking the glass ball back underneath Dean's hoodie, hidden from sight, «may be new, for both of us, but my love for you is not. I want to live too, to grow old. To stay _human_. I’ll keep being an angel since you didn’t remove all my grace, but I’m first of all _human_. So you keep it safe. My heart. My love. My grace. It's all yours anyway. It always has been.»

«Cas…» Dean doesn’t even know what to respond to that. He’s been dreaming about words like this, touches like this, for so many years, but never daring to _hope_ for it. And now it is all his. When Cas notices how Dean's eyes have teared up, he leans close and kisses him gently.

«Dean…» he smiles, his eyes closed, their foreheads resting against each other.

«We wasted so many years, didn’t we?» Dean chuckles against Cas´s lips, tears running down his cheeks as he kisses his angel once more.

«We´ll make up for them.» With a last quick kiss, Cas takes Dean's hand again leading them down the hall to the kitchen.

Joining Sam and Eileen at the table, Jack appears from the opposite hallway and takes a seat too.

Dean is wearing the most loving and happy smile he’s ever smiled.

And everyone can see it.

And the others can’t stop themselves from smiling too.

It's been a long time since Dean has worn a smile this real. This happy. This true.

Finally safe.

Finally home.

Finally, their family is together again.

The angel’s smile matches his for the rest of the day, and each time when their eyes meet again, although it’s not really possible, their smiles widen even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read / commented / left kudoss! :)


	13. you can hear it in the silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These kisses. The only kisses Dean ever wants to get.  
> This silence. The only silence Dean ever wants to get lost in.  
> These arms. The only arms Dean wants to hold him.

**_D E A N_ **

When darkness fell outside the bunker that night, Sam and Eileen retreated to their bedroom, leaving Dean and Cas sitting alone in the living room that Sam had cleaned up and almost finished furnishings. Only yesterday, or really it was almost a week since he’d sat in the library alone, Dean had felt the silence as a strangling pain around him. Sucking the air from the room, his mind so far away he couldn’t even remember which one of the days alone in the bunker, his head had truly become lost.

He had told his brother that the time alone and the silence would do him good. Told him that he didn’t have to worry about him, Dean was fine. He hadn’t really talked to him at all after everything that had happened, he’d been too focused on finding a way to get Cas back. Sam didn’t know what Cas had told him that night. Hadn’t told him how Dean's regret was slowly killing him. He couldn’t say it out loud. If he told his brother what Cas had told him, he would break. Dean would break. So he had welcomed the silence, as Sam and Eileen left him to his own thoughts. But it only made everything worse. This silence was an unbearable silence that filled the absence of the one thing he never was able to let go of. The silence left by him.

Dean had never hated a silence the way he hated the one Cas’s absence had left in his life.

But this silence.

This silence made up for it.

The silence in the room was so calming and soothing that Dean didn’t want to break it. Only take it in. Breathe easier than before. Smile truer than ever before.

Cas sat beside him on the couch, not close enough that they were touching, but not too far away either. Dean could feel Cas’s presence at his left side as if they were. He only had to reach out his hand towards Cas to touch him.

That’s all he had wanted to do since he got him back. Hold him close. Never letting go. He’d finally said the words that had been eating him up the past months, but it all still felt so new and raw. This thing between them. They had to learn each other all over again, figure out what this was.

When the two of them were left alone together, cleaning the kitchen after dinner he’d had to force every cell in his body not to tackle the angel, pulling him as close as he could. Kiss his lips. Hold his face in his hands, hold his whole world between his fingers. Just. Hold the angel. While cleaning the kitchen, they’d danced around each other, both of them wearing this stupidly cute smile on their face. And when they were done, Dean had finally laid his hand against the angel's chest. Moving it up to cup his face. He’d leaned in and given Cas a light, warm, gentle kiss. They both put on that stupidly cute smile again before joining the others in the living room. Sitting close to each other, but not close enough for Dean. He was suddenly kind of unsure of how to act in front of the others. He hadn’t talked to Sam after they got back. He’d talked to Jack before he went to the empty, and Jack knew what had happened between him and Cas. But he still hadn’t said a word about it to Sam. He felt he needed to say something, but he didn’t know what. Or how. Feelings and words weren’t really his specialty...

Cas was watching some movie on the tv, but his eyelids got heavier and heavier. Studying his beautiful face, Dean smiled as he just sat there and observed how the angel was slowly falling asleep. He didn’t know anyone could get this much happiness from watching another slowly falling asleep. But he did. And he couldn't stop smiling, feeling his own eyelids slowly wandering downwards.

The silence was broken when Miracle stood up from his place at Cas´s feet to nudge his knee with his head. Cas was instantly awake, smiling down at the dog. He leans forward to scratch Mir behind the ears, the dog clearly pleased by the attention. Then he turns on his pawns and goes running out of the room.

«What is it, Dean?» Cas says as he meets his eyes.

«Nothing,» Dean mumbles through a smile, «nothing at all.»

Dean reaches out to take Cas´s hand, kissing his knuckles. Smiling as the angel's cheeks turn slightly red, and smiling even wider at that stupidly cute smile that spreads on Cas´s face. Dean would usually roll his eyes at people wearing a smile like that, but seeing Cas wearing it, because of Dean, he couldn't help but wanting Cas to wear it all the time.

That stupidly cute and adorable smile.

«Come on, angel. We should get some sleep.» Dean pulls him from the couch, leading them down the hall to his bedroom.

«Do you… do you want me to stay here?» Cas´s voice sounds unsure as he stops in front of Dean's door, and as Dean turns to face him, he can see it on his face too. «I could sleep in my own room if you want to sleep alone.»

«Cas, don't be stupid. Of course, I want you to stay here. If you want to of course.»

«I do. It's just that we didn’t talk about any of this, and I don’t know the rules…» the little uncertain smile on his lips could melt Dean in a second.

«To be honest, I don’t really know the rules myself… But, I think, maybe we should stop doing what we’ve been doing all these years. Instead of hiding everything, hiding how we feel, we should talk about it. Figure it out.»

«I´d like that, yeah.» Ah, that smile again.

«I don't really know anything, but I do know that I… I love you, Cas. And I’ve been holding back those words. Those feelings. For so long. But I don’t want to anymore. I want you. I want us. And we´ll just make it up as we go. Figure it out. Figure us out.» Taking a step closer, Dean places his hand against Cas´s face, the other flat against his chest. «Neither of us knows how this is supposed to go, but we’ll figure it out together. Maybe I even snore so badly that you want your own room, I don’t know?»

Cas chuckles quietly as he leans closer to place his lips on Deans. His hands resting on Dean's hips, pulling him closer. «You do snore, Dean, I know that. But after all those times I’ve sat by your bed, listening to your breath. Snore. Sometimes even speak in your sleep. I find it cute.»

«Don´t call me cute. I’m not cute.» Dean says as he pretends to look annoyed, hating the word, even though he kind of loves it. As long as it's Cas saying it.

«But, you are very cute, Dean.» Cas teases as he once again leans closer. Resting their foreheads together. Holding each other.

«Mir is cute. I’m not. Cute is not a word one uses to describe Dean Winchester.» He can’t help but smile.

«It is true, Miracle is very cute, indeed.» At the sound of his name, Mir comes running down the hall. He stops in front of them, but when he sees that the bedroom door is open, he sneaks into the room, jumping to the bed. «But, you are very cute too. Cute. Just like your freckles. Adorable like your smile. Gorgeous like your eyes. Beautiful. Beautiful, Dean Winchester.»

After a long moment where he only stares at Cas, Dean crashes their lips together. No one has ever called him beautiful before. And for it to be Cas who speaks those words to him, makes it feel like he’s flying.

«I sometimes used to count these,» Cas cups his face as he gently strokes his thumb lightly underneath Dean's eye. «But I never did find out the exact number of freckles on your beautiful face. Still, each time I sat by your bed, I tried counting them.»

«You know, there’s this saying that freckles are really kisses from angels…» Dean has to chuckle as he watches Cas blush at his words. His blue eyes shining brightly.

«Would you like a couple more of those?» Cas says shyly as his thumb lightly rests against the freckles on his cheeks.

«I'll take them all, as long as you’re the one painting them on my face.» He knows he’s the one wearing that stupidly cute smile again. A smile that turns even more stupid and wide as Cas leans forward to place a light kiss on his nose. Kisses him lightly as he holds him close. Dean closes his eyes against the kisses as the angel's lips move across his face.

His cheek.

His jaw.

His temples.

His forehead.

«I´m no angel anymore, but you can have them all. They’re all yours, and yours only.»

«You’ll always be my angel, Cas.»

His lips.

His lips.

His lips.

No more words are spoken, as Dean pulls Cas with him into his bedroom. As they get close to the bed, Miracle jumps up, before taking his place at the foot-end of the bed. More kisses are given, more freckles painted on his smiling face.

These kisses. The only kisses Dean ever wants to get.

This silence. The only silence Dean ever wants to get lost in.

These arms. The only arms Dean wants to hold him.

Laying down in bed, they hold around each other, no space left between them. Dean thought he knew what happiness was. But nothing has ever been able to even compare to what he feels in this moment. This happiness. This joy. This safety. This love.

Falling asleep in Cas´s arms for the first time, Dean decides that he never wants to fall asleep alone again.

He wants to fall asleep like this, forever. Falling asleep to the steady rhythm of a heart beating, a sound so beautiful in a silence so beautiful. His head resting against Cas´s bare chest, resting against his heart, Dean can hear his heartbeats. 

_Heartbeats_. His human heart beating against his chest.

_Heartbeats._

The sound of his heartbeats in the silence.

The most beautiful sound.

His heart beating, for Dean.

Just as Dean´s heart beats for Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! :)
> 
> I was not planning on this being this long, but as I started writing I just felt like writing more... I don't know how long it will be, but writing this has really helped me lately. I´ve been having a rough time lately, so I´ve lost myself in reading and writing, although even that has been hard. I´ve got two more chapters saved in my drafts, but like with this one I´m not happy with them, but at the moments I´m happy to just be writing... I hope reading this can be of help to someone else who is still in denial after the finale, or someone who just needs to get lost in fanfic, like me.
> 
> Again, I apologize for any typos/grammar mistake, English is not my first language, and I haven't really had the energy to proofread the last chapters. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read / commented / left kudoss so far, I really appreciate it! :)


	14. touch me, and you’ll never be alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their touches have become a refuge in a broken world.  
> Their bodies pulled close, treasured as if the other´s are a temple to worship at.  
> Their kisses a safe haven.

**_D E A N_ **

Day after day, Dean wakes in the angel's arms.

«Cas.» Always, the first words on his lips. Always answered with the angel's own first words.

«Dean.»

Night after night, Dean falls asleep in the angel's arms, listening to his heart beating. Or with the angel in his arms, his own heart beating for the man resting next to him.

«I love you, Cas.»

«I love you, Dean»

How Dean had ever found those words hard to say, he didn’t understand. So much time spent alone, lonely with his feelings, because he could not say those words. They had been the hardest words Dean had ever known, and now, he could not stop saying them.

He tasted them on every breath he let out, wanted to scream them out loud for every beat of his heart. The words were written on every kiss. Every touch. Every look. And yet, he felt he could not say them enough.

He heard them from Cas just as often as he himself uttered them. He tasted them on his lips with each kiss. His blue eyes shining and screaming the words.

He´d never heard such beautiful words before.

***

Cas and Dean would stay up later than the others. Usually, the last in the bunker to turn off the lights. The new hunters had chosen bedrooms at the other wing, and Sam and Eileen´s room was further down the hall, so the nights staying up late, the comfortable silence rested over them.

Sometimes they would talk in quiet whispers to each other for hours. Sometimes Dean was eager to show Cas one of his favorite movies, having them sitting or laying closely beside each other either in the living room or in Dean's own ‘cave’. Hands always somehow touching the other.

A hand rested in the other's lap. A head rested on a shoulder. Foot rested across a lap. Arm rested around a shoulder. A head rested in the crock of the neck. Hands intertwined. A thumb gently stroking the back of a hand. Feet tangled together on the couch.

Dean couldn’t get enough of Cas´s sweet touches. And neither could Cas.

Their nights are always spent together, in each other's arms. Dean has never slept as well as he does when he sleeps in the angel's arms. The safety he feels in Cas´s presence. The love he can feel in his touches. The happiness he knows is clouding his every word.

Some nights there is less sleep.

Less sleep and more touches. Curled against each other, bodies as close as possible. Exploring each other, each other's bodies, in a way they never have before. Touches lingering like whispers all over their skin, their bodies. Underneath thin blankets in the dark of their sanctuary, sweet words are muttered as hoarse whispers, only meant for the other's ear.

Hands exploring and feeling out every inch of skin. Their bodies merging as they move against each other in the comfortable darkness of their room. Moments turning into hours as they lay there tightly against each other, sweet words of love bleeding from their lips. Sweet touches of love burning over their bodies as they learn one and another with their hands, fingers, lips, mouths.

Their touches have become a refuge in a broken world.

Their bodies pulled close, treasured as if the other´s are a temple to worship at.

Their kisses a safe haven.

Those nights, when they find and heal each other again, and again, every pain and suffering is taken away. Every concern and feelings of anxiety left outside the door. Every fear and dismay are forgotten. The only thing remembered is their bodies and their touches, their words, and their love. Souls bleeding heavy for the other, just so they can be healed as one.

Together in every way possible. No force in the universe is able to separate them ever again. Not once their body is given to the other, souls merging together, never able to be apart again.

Dean has never felt so alive before.

Their days are always spent together, and often together with the other residents of the bunker. Sam has just started digitalizing the library and Dean and Cas have helped where they can. But Dean suspected they weren’t much help as neither of the two really knew anything about technology.

Dean also helped to teach and show the other hunters, especially the youngest, some tricks he’d learned over the years. Taught them what Dean knew about whatever it was they wanted to know. Cas also helped some with the angelic- and cosmic-themes, but Cas seemed to like better to listen to Dean. Sometimes contributing with information, but for the most part, just listening and observing Dean, which Dean found kinda cute.

Dean never joined them on any hunts though. He didn’t have the need for it anymore. He had, however, applied to a mechanic job in town. He was to start working at the garage next week. After the first week, two hunters joined them and then two more the week after that. Zane and Henrietta, moved into the bunker, while the others, Aiko and Mariana, lived between the bunker and the town, only a ten-minute drive in each direction. Through the spreading network, Sam and Eileen have been in contact with a whole bunch of hunters. Sometimes hunters would come to visit, some staying only a short time, others longer. The two of them had managed to do so much in just a small amount of time. Dean is so proud of his brother for what he’s done, and what he will do.

One day Eileen takes Cas with her into town for some errands. Leaving him and Sam together in a storage room deep in the bunker. Dean knew the bunker had lots of storage rooms, but he didn’t know that so many held so many books. He thought the library and the main storage room held all their books, but there were books _everywhere_. His brother loved it, and although Dean wasn’t much of a reader, he had to admit that just the presence of so many old books, was calming. Peaceful. Soothing.

«So… how are things between you and Cas?» Sam asked from across the room, not looking up from the books he was sorting through.

Dean still hadn't talked to Sam about Cas since before he and Eileen left for their road trip. Simply because he didn’t quite know how to. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Sam wouldn’t be okay with it, or anything like that. It was more than Dean had never been good with words. He’d never talked about his feelings. And although he and Cas had been talking more and more about such things, he found it a lot harder to talk to his brother about it. Still, he felt like he should say something. Sam definitely knew there was something different about the two, Dean just didn’t know how to formulate his words. He knew he didn’t have to, it was his brother, but he still felt like he _should_ say _something_.

«Ehm… what do you mean? We’re good. Why?» It probably wasn’t hard to see that there was something more between Cas and Dean. And after his brother, and Jack had told him how he and Cas acted around each other, he had started paying attention to it himself. And holy hell... how had Cas not seen it on Dean, and how had Dean not seen it on Cas?

But, they were still careful around the others. They acted the way they always had, but now Dean could see what the others probably had seen all along. The feelings. Dean was very protective about him and Cas, at least now that this thing was so fresh. He also found it unnatural to show such emotions in front of his people, his family. Dean had always hidden his feelings, to appear tough and strong, and that still lingered with him. He shouldn’t show emotion, shouldn’t make himself vulnerable in front of others. But with this, he felt even more protective, not daring to be too vulnerable with them. With this thing between them. Dean had lost so much in his life, but this, this he could not lose. Not this, not _him_. Not again. So he would protect them with his life if needed. Besides, he kinda wanted to keep Cas for himself for a while.

Just the two of them, without the others being nosy. Because, the moment they announced this, this thing between them, it would be everyone's business. He’d seen how the others had acted when Severin and Alex had told them that moving into the bunker, finally settling down, had finally brought them together. They had moved into one of the bigger rooms a couple of days later, together. Everyone had been so excited and happy about it, the other new hunters especially. Asking all kinds of questions one could expect when announcing a relationship. It was nice, yes, but Dean felt that for now, he wanted to keep Cas to himself. Everyone in the bunker… Well, everyone was everywhere. And although Dean wanted everyone to know how much he loved the angel, and that the angel was _his_ , at the moment, after everything that had happened, it felt good to just be him and Cas.

Simply, because the two of them wanted to figure each other out. Learn each other. Before everyone else wanted to figure them out and learn them. Dean and Cas had known each other for over a decade, and still, he found new things to learn about Cas each day.

Like how Cas had a soft and ticklish spot behind his right ear, not the left one but the right one, where, when Dean kissed him gently, he would make this small adorable almost giggly sound, before leaning into the kiss.

But, his absolute favorite place to be kissed, Dean had learned, was on the little, now almost invisible, scar on his neck. The faint line of raised skin, on the middle of his neck, where Dean had cut him with an angel blade to extract his grace. That had also become Dean's favorite place to kiss him, the slightest chill that went through Cas whenever Dean kissed him there. The little moan that would escape his lips, the way his hands always raised to the top of Dean's head, gripping his hair tightly. The way the angel seemed to freeze up, not able to function for a couple of seconds after Dean placed a gentle kiss there.

Or how he loved to be kissed on his forehead. Dean loved how Cas adored hugging him from behind, wrapping his arms around him, resting his head on Dean's shoulder, just watching and observing whatever Dean was doing at the moment. Dean loved those hugs. And, how Dean always slept better the nights when Cas would hold him, or Dean held him. Those nights he slept better than he ever had before in his life.

Sometimes, some days, he tried to get past his armor that he hid his feelings behind, and it did feel good to show his feelings in small gestures. But not at home. He still felt weird about showing his feelings in front of his people. He didn’t like being vulnerable. And he was very, very protective over Cas. That might be why he found it easier to show his emotions in front of strangers.

When they went into town yesterday, he and Cas had eaten lunch at a diner, sitting close to each other, their hands knitted together on the table. Smiles as bright as the sun, if not brighter, when they looked at each other. No one knew them there, so when Dean leaned over and kissed Cas, no one even spared them a second look.

When they went into the grocery store to get food, and Cas leaned over and kissed Dean on the cheek as he saw how Dean smiled at the freshly baked pie, no one knew who they were and no one looked at them as they shared a private moment. When they had gone into town to get Cas some new clothes, walking hand in hand, no one even looked at them, because to the others in town, they were just a couple who sometimes dropped by, like for example to buy new clothes. No one really knew them there, so the world consisted of only the two of them when they were together.

The reason he hadn’t told his brother, might have more to do with the fact that he was a little scared. Because, as always, talking about his feelings scared him. It made him vulnerable. And Sam was his baby brother, who he had watched over all his life. Had raised him. It didn’t feel natural to be vulnerable in front of his little brother. He was the oldest, the one who should watch over his brother and protect him, so he was a little uncomfortable with showing emotions. But he was trying to be better. Trying to open more up and make himself more vulnerable. Like he was with Cas. Because Cas was the only one who had seen all of him, knew everything. And although he didn’t want other people than Cas to have such power over him, knowing everything, he found that he just recently had begun wanting to be learned more. Wanting others to see _him_.

«I’ve noticed you two spending much more time together, just the two of you… Always by each other’s side, more than usual...» he let the words hang in the air between them.

«Yeah…»

«You seem happy, happier.»

«I am.»

«It shows. It looks good on you. On both of you. It´s been a long time since I’ve seen you this… alive.»

«Listen, Sam. I know I haven’t talked much about stuff, and I’m sorry if…» He hated how hard it was to talk about this. Even with his _brother_. He should tell him.

_Stop being a coward, Dean._

«When... Before the empty took Cas.» Dean started, sitting at the edge of the desk behind him, his hands nervously shaking. «When Bille trapped us, he... Cas had made a deal with the empty to save Jack, and when we were trapped there, he summoned the empty.»

«But... How? I thought the empty couldn’t reach us here.»

«The deal... the empty were to come the moment Cas experienced a moment of true happiness.» He can feel his eyes tearing up, so he raises them to the roof, eyes not focused on anything. “´He... He told me. He told me that he loved me. He waited until his last moment to tell me because he didn’t think I loved him. He thought he couldn’t have me. That sonofabitch told me he loved me, and then he left me laying there on the floor. Realizing that _the one thing I_ thought I couldn’t have, is something that has been within reach all this time.»

«Why didn’t you tell me?» He says in a low voice after a too-long silence.

«I just... I didn’t answer him. I just stood there. And I’ve been so ashamed about that ever since. I couldn’t tell you how I fucked up that one thing.»

«Dean...»

«He told me he loved me, Sammy, and I let him die without telling him I love him too. I’ve never been so ashamed in my life. I didn’t tell him I love him.» He knows the words come out rougher than he meant, so carefully he moves his eye towards his brother, not knowing what to expect. Sam is watching him, waiting for him to continue. «I couldn’t tell you that, because I couldn’t even tell _him_. I’m sorry.»

«Don´t apologize, Dean. You have nothing to apologize for.»

«I just... I had to get him back first, Sammy. I had to tell him. I know I have a family here, I know I have you. But I don’t think I would be able to live without _him_. Especially after that night.»

«Dean, don’t apologize for that. I knew there was something you weren’t telling me, but it wasn’t my place to make you tell me. With everything that has happened, no one blames you for anything. You’re my brother, and I will love you no matter what, even when you shut me out or don’t feel like talking. I’m glad you told me though, and I’m glad to finally see you get what you deserve. Being loved the way you deserve to be loved. Besides, it's not like I didn’t know about the two of you.» Sam was watching him with glassy eyes, a careful smile on his lips.

«You knew?» Dean says it with a small chuckle because he knows his brother is probably going to tell him the same thing Jack had told him.

«Well, it not like the relationship between you and Cas is the best-kept secret in the universe. You two have been pining after each other for so long I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you had been together this whole time.»

«Really?»

«Well, yeah. I’ve been waiting for you to figure your shit out for years now. I didn’t want to say anything about it, but how you acted when he was gone. And when you got back, how you were even more attached at the hip than before. The first night when I was up to get something to drink, I walked past Cas’s room and I noticed that no one had been in the room and since Cas is human and needs sleep... I wasn’t certain, but I was pretty sure about where he was. The night after I saw you both going into your room when you went to bed. You’re not as sneaky as you think. You need to work on your poker face if y’all are going to keep it a secret.»

«I thought I was a little bit better at hiding my feelings than that…»

«You _are_ good at hiding your feelings. Just not for _him_. You can hide all of you, everything. But, Dean. The way you’ve been looking at Cas all this time. The way the two of you act around each other. That is something you’ve never been able to hide. I’ve basically been the third wheel for a decade. And then when…» Sam pauses as he looks to the floor, setting down the books. He leans against the wall behind him before meeting Dean's eyes. «When you’ve lost Cas. When Cas died, so did you.»

Dean has to look away, turn away from the way his brother looks at him. The memories of mourning Cas, the memories of Cas leaving him alone. He couldn’t think about that. Didn’t want to.

«You might have lost Cas, but I lost both of you. I barely recognized you, I couldn’t find you after he died. You were so lost in your grief that I was seriously afraid I was going to lose you too, lose you even more than I already had.» Dean looks back to his brother, not knowing what to answer him. «I´ve never seen anyone grieve their _best friend_ , like that. I’ve barely even seen anyone grieve their wife, or husband, like that. So no, Dean. You´ve never managed to hide how you feel towards Cas. And he never managed to hide how he feels about you either.»

A small smile plays on Dean's lips, not wanting to think about the feeling of losing Cas, but wanting to get lost in the feeling of loving and being loved by Cas.

«It’s funny actually, how blind the two of you are. Like, come on. It's crazy how you’ve just danced around each other for so many years, wearing your feelings on your face, but _not_ being able to see it on the others.» He laughs at the pretend annoyed look Dean gives him. «I don't care about who you are with. But I’m glad it's Cas because he’s like a brother to me. I only care that you are happy. Loved. And if it's one thing I know, it is that _with Cas_ , you will be loved until your dying breath, and even after that, you two will find your way back to each other. Love each other.»

«I…» he doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say, Sam´s word running crazy in his head. “I just... You know I’ve never been good at talking about stuff, I’m sorry.”

«You know Dean, I will always be here, and you don’t have to say anything until you feel ready to talk to me. And if you don’t want to say anything at all, that’s okay too. I know you and Cas have each other, and that’s all I need to know. That you are happy. So take your time. I know how it is, me and Eileen, we took our time too. So, find each other, learn each other. I’m here, always.»

«Thanks, Sammy.» It's a whisper, but the words reach him anyway, and Sam answers with a bright and loving smile.

«Besides, you’re pretty cute together.» His smile turns into a teasing one, trying to lighten the mood.

«Ugh, don´t call me cute. Dean Winchester is not cute.» But he can’t hide the laughter from his voice, which makes Sam smile even brighter.

«Yes, you are. Especially when you are in love…» he drags the last word out teasingly, laughing as Dean raises his middle finger towards him.

«Shut your pie-hole, Samuel.»

«Cuuute and in looooove.» Dragging out the words again, he walks towards the door, only turning back to Dean when he reaches the hallway. «I’m happy for you, Dean.»

«Thanks. I’m happy for you too, little brother.»

«You know I’m taller than you, right?»

«Bitch.»

«Jerk.» He continues down the hall, and as Dean is about to follow he hears Sam saying hello to someone else.

When Dean looks up, Cas is standing in the doorway, looking at him. Smiling.

«Hello, Dean.»

«Hey, angel.»

When he reaches him, Dean kisses him lightly on the cheek before taking his hand, pulling him close as they follow Sam down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading!<3


	15. your touch brings forth an incandescent glow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This place is beautiful, Cas. But why are we here in the middle of the night?” He takes his hand in his, leaning against the hood of the car, watching Cas.
> 
> Cas cups Deans face with his free hand, gently kissing him, and as he pulls back he simply says, “Look up.”

**_C A S_ **

Dean sleeps peacefully beside him, his naked body only covered by a thin blanket, and Cas´s arms around him. Eyes fluttering beneath his closed eyelids, mouth slightly open as he breathes calmly.

Cas has lived for longer than humanity is capable of imagining. He has seen it all, lived it all. Been all over the world, in heaven, in hell. 

He’s seen pain, anger, hate, war, evil.

And for the love of the man beside him, it was all worth it.

He’s seen beauty, all wonders of the world, joy, love, peace, goodness.

And yet, the man lying in his arms is the most beautiful of it all.

Nothing can compare to the love, the joy, the beauty of Dean Winchester. Nothing.

For Castiel, the world was created for him to meet Dean. Everything that has happened has led him into the arms of the only being Cas has ever truly loved. He would give anything for the man, he _had_ given anything for him. And he would do it again. And again. And again.

All of it.

All of it, was worth it, just to be able to lay in bed next to Dean, watching him as peaceful as ever, sleeping with his head resting on Cas´s chest. He’d do it all a thousand times, just to be able to lay here at this moment, counting the freckles on his face, waiting for him to open his green eyes so that Cas once again can look into the greatest wonder ever created in the whole universe. Nothing is as beautiful as those freckles. Nothing is as beautiful as those green eyes.

Although they've been together for a couple of weeks now, just the two of them living in a bubble where the rest of the world doesn’t exist, Cas sometimes thinks he has to be dreaming. No one is so lucky as to get everything they have ever wished for when that wish is something as monumental as Dean Winchester.

For years and years, Cas had believed his feelings to be his, and his alone. He knew Dean cared about him, but he never dared to think that he might feel the same way. Cas had believed that Dean loved him as a brother, and nothing more. He didn’t believe he could love a creature like Cas, a being like him. So he had never said a word. Never acted upon it. Although at times, that was all he had wanted to do. But he never did.

When Cas made a deal with the Empty to save _their_ _son_ , Jack, he was certain that the Empty could ever come for him. Since the one thing that would make Cas happy, the one thing that would make Cas that happy was Dean. Dean loving him.

Dean.

Beautiful Dean.

When he and Dean had been trapped in the bunker, Death banging on the door, he knew he had to save his Dean. He had to save him, or he would never be able to live with himself. He didn’t know if it would actually work, but he knew that his feelings for Dean were so strong that even just saying the words out loud, would make him happy.

And it did.

And the Empty had come for him.

And he had saved Dean.

Cas believed his days were past, that he would spend the rest of eternity sleeping in the Empty. But he woke, and that’s when the Shadow made sure to torture him. He hadn’t known why he had started to wake, but he suspected that the man beside him had something to do with it. He couldn't hear his words when he was lost in the void, but an unrecognizable feeling had lingered around him. He recognized the feeling when Dean came close, pulling him into his arms. It was Dean. The feeling. It was Dean. Always Dean.

Dean´s prayers searching, always finding Cas, no matter how far apart they were. Even when Dean was praying to him, to Cas. Not the angel Castiel, but _his_ Cas, the prayers always found their way to him.

And then Dean had found him. Saved him.

Brought him back. Brought him home.

And…

Told him that he loved him too.

Dean loved him.

Dean.

He thought he had known happiness and joy before, but the way he felt when Dean told him that he wasn’t alone with those feelings, was something that Cas didn’t even know how to name. Never had he felt such love. A love he had felt every day since.

Dean´s love.

Cas places a gentle hand in Dean´s hair, smiling down at the sleeping man. He’d let it grow longer than usual, and Cas found the soft beautiful hair to be just another wonder that the world could not measure up to. At the touch, Dean moves slightly in his sleep, his hand reaching up, resting on Cas´s chest. Close to his heart.

They had all the time in the world. Nothing more to fight or beat. Nothing to worry about. Only live. Finally being able to live. To love. They had all the time in the world, the rest of their time, together.

Since Cas came home, they had spent as much time as possible together. Just being with each other. Figuring out the two of them. Yes, the simple way to put it was that Cas loved Dean, and Dean loved Cas. But, to Cas, it felt so much bigger than that. No one knew Cas better than Dean, and they had been family for so many years. But his was something else. Something Cas had hidden for so long. Something Dean had hidden for so long. And now that they didn’t have to hide anything ever again, they were learning and getting to know each other in another way than before.

Learning each other, again. There was so much to learn, so much to learn differently. Kisses to learn. Bodies to learn. Feelings to learn. Slowly, they were figuring it out. Slowly they _became_.

Dean had just started his new job at the garage working four days a week, the other days he spent in the bunker working with the hunters, although he never went with them on hunts. Cas filled his days by helping the others in the bunker the best he could, or by reading and learning, sometimes learning the hunters what he knew. Most days, when Dean was working, he would leave the bunker to go outside, their dog following close more often than not, something he had found to be his favorite thing to do to pass the time. Nature. The one place, other than inside this room, where he could find a sense of peace so deep and calm that he would long for it at times.

And of course, Dean. Dean filled his spare time with Cas, and Cas filled his spare time with Dean. They had talked about Cas also finding some kind of job, and he wanted to, sometime in the future maybe. But right now? Right now Cas just wanted to _be_. Wanted to be _human_.

They have all the time in the world to make a life together, and Cas could not think of anything that he wanted more than that. At the thought of them together and the joy it brought him, something seemed to spark inside him, sending electric waves through his body. He’d felt it before. That little spark. The small portion of grace that remained inside this, _his_ , body. It acted on its own. Surprising Cas each time he felt it, as he keeps forgetting. But it’s still there sometimes. That little spark, his little piece of angel grace. And it was always Dean who made it spark.

Carefully he raised his lips to Dean's forehead, gently kissing him as his hand still gently rested atop his head. Fingers dancing through his beautiful light hair.

«Cas.» Two green sleepy, only half awake, eyes look up at him, a smile spreading across his face as he sees Cas is already awake.

«Dean. Hello.» Dean rests his hand against the side of Cas’s face, slowly pulling them closer, gently bringing their lips together in a sweet kiss.

«Morning, angel.» Dean smiles into the kiss, before resting his head on the pillow close to Cas’s face.

«Morning, freckles.» The new nickname makes him chuckle as Cas gently strokes a thumb underneath his eye, touching those beautiful marks painted across his face. He found them to be one of the most beautiful things ever created. Exploring his body, Cas had found them on the back of his shoulders too, and some on his collarbone. But the ones on his cheeks, those were his favorite. “Did you sleep well?”

«Better than ever before.» He smiles as he closes his eyes, resting his forehead against Cas’s temple. «You?»

«The best, with you by my side.»

When Cas had been human before, he had found mornings to be terrible. But not these mornings when he would wake beside Dean. Those were like little pieces of heaven. Them waking together. Smiling at each other. He never wanted to leave the sanctuary of their bed, their room. But as always, they had to get up sometime. During the weekends, when Dean didn’t have work, they would wake together like this, staying there for as long as they could. Usually, they were dragged out of bed by scratching on the door. They had already slept in, and the dog outside had waited long enough for them to wake. So when Dean went to open the door, Miracle sprinted through the door, jumping as high as he could to land in the middle of the bed, getting comfortable between the two men as Dean lay back down beside Cas. Miracle let out a happy bark as Cas obeyed his request for cuddles.

«You know, Dean. We could just let him sleep in here with us.» Cas smiles down at the dog on his lap.

«We could, but I’m not giving up my spot. He just wants you all to himself and I am not gonna let him have you.» Pulling Cas close to his chest, away from Mir, Dean teasingly smiles at the dog as Mir tries to make Cas hold him again. «You can have him while I’m at work, Mir. And we can share him when I get home. But at night, he’s all mine.»

Cas laughs as he raises his eyes to Dean, a bright smile across his face.

«All mine! You hear me?» He says with a pointed stare, but he’s still smiling at the dog. Miracle moves closer and settles as close to Cas´s side as he can get. Cas smiles and pulls the dog into a comfortable embrace. His fluffy head on top of Dean's chest. Turning to look at Cas, his green eyes sparkles. Happy. Happiness. Dean lowers his head so that their lips are close again.

«All mine.» He says into the kiss.

A spark of electricity inside Cas matches the spark in his eyes as he leans into the kiss. Neither of them notices when the lamp beside their closet flicker two times as the small grain of grace acts on its own, Cas too lost in their kiss to notice.

***

As they drive through the dark forest soft songs play from the radio. Cas had fallen in love with music, and Dean had made him another mixtape, with all of Cas’s favorite songs at the moment. This one in particular.

_You taught me the courage of stars before you left_

_How life carries on endlessly even after death_

Sitting in the impala, besides Dean on dark nights like this, driving down the road, often nowhere as a destination. Cas could do this forever, as long as he had Dean beside him.

Dean looked so peaceful and calm behind the wheel of his car, watching as the world passes by outside the window. Cas can’t help but smile at the light in his eyes, the way he too loves nights like these.

«Are you going to tell me where we are going?»

«Nope.» Cas reaches over, pulling Dean's hand into his lap, holding on to it gently as he strokes the back of his hand.

«Baby better not get dirty.» At that Cas laughs quietly as he watches Dean drive down the bumpy dirt road. The impala's headlight lights up only what is right in front of the car, the forest around them hiding whatever is between the trees.

The song continues flowing through the car as they continue down the dirt road.

_How rare and beautiful it is that we exist._

Soon they arrive at a small clearing atop a small cliff. Dean parks the car in the middle of the cleaning, turning off the car, cutting off the soft tones.

It’s dead quiet.

Dark.

He’d found the place one of the days he had been exploring the forest. It’s not far from the bunker, but Cas had walked for hours through the forest, listening to the birds singing. Daydreaming about nothing and everything, when he stumbled on to it on his way back home.

Cas kisses Dean's knuckles before letting go of his hand, exiting the car. Dean follows and as they meet in front of the impala, Cas is smiling brightly.

«This place is beautiful, Cas. But why are we here in the middle of the night?» He takes his hand in his, leaning against the hood of the car, watching Cas.

Cas cups Dean's face with his free hand, gently kissing him, and as he pulls back he simply says, «Look up.»

Each day it has gotten colder, a sharpness added to the air. Autumn is slowly letting go of its hold, welcoming the winter cold. And with November showing off, the night is clear and the sky filled with beautiful stars.

«Cas...» looking up at the starry night sky, Dean is speechless. So they just stand there, for a long moment, looking at the stars. Cas sits against the car as he leans against Dean's side, head on his shoulder. Dean turns slightly towards him to place his arm around Cas’s shoulder, holding him close. At that moment it’s just the two of them. The two of them all alone in the world, the only ones left. «It’s beautiful, Cas.»

Cas smiles up at him, watching how his green eyes shine in the dark, a smile spread wide across his face.

«I found it one day when I was out walking, maybe a week ago, and I’ve come here a couple of times. It’s so peaceful. I don’t think a lot of people come here, I don’t know if anyone even knows of the place. The dirt road hasn’t been used for so long I’m surprised it’s not overgrown yet...»

«I for sure didn’t know of this place...”

«You can’t really see it from anywhere. It’s hidden from the road, and the dirt road is almost impossible to find if you’re not looking for it, or knows it’s there.» When they had driven off the main road they had come to a side road going through the forest. They’d driven for almost five minutes into the forest when Cas had finally spotted the dirt road, and even though he knew it was there, even he had almost missed it. Dean had been very skeptical of driving down that road, mainly because of the car, at least that was what he claimed. But he had listened to Cas and continued down the dirt road for another five minutes. “Even when I knew it was here, this little cliff with the most amazing view, and tried to spot it, it’s completely invisible.»

Dean made a little humming noise as he leads his head atop Cas’s continuing to watch the stars as they stood there in silence. A weak breeze picked up as they stood there, making Dean pulling his red and black plaid winter jacket tighter across his chest. He pulls Cas to him, his back resting against Dean's chest, his head on Cas’s shoulder. Quietly, they stand there, holding each other as they watch the stars shine above them.

«It’s so beautiful.»

«Yeah... it’s beautiful during the day, but I figured it would be even better at night. The sky beautifully painted with sparks.»

«Thank you for bringing me here, angel.»

«Anywhere. Always, freckles.»

The nickname still made Dean chuckle, even sometimes painting his face red as he smiles at the ground. Turning around in his arms, Cas face him, pulling him closer. Dean locking him in an embrace, reaching his hands up Cas’s back, trailing their way underneath his white and black plaid winter jacket, and then finding their way under his dark green hoodie. Or, Dean's hoodie really. After becoming human, Cas had been living in them, almost refusing to wear anything else. He loved Dean´s soft and slightly oversized hoodies, especially when they smelled like Dean. So, he´d sometimes make Dean wear them first, and Dean seemed to really like Cas´s T-shirt, so it was a fair trade.

Dean stretches his neck towards Cas, his lips hovering over Cas’s, teasingly. But he never closes the distance between them. Instead, he leans towards Cas’s neck, placing a gentle kiss on the middle of his neck. The one place where Cas gets lost each time Dean kisses him. Dean's lips linger on his scar, making Cas go weak on his knees, a chill going through his whole body. When Dean kissed him there, Cas could feel that little drop of grace left in his body, spark more intensely than usual. One night, when Cas asked him, Dean had whispered in his ear, his fingers gently running over the scar, how kissing him there made him feel like he was kissing his grace, the closest he would come to Cas in his true form, one he could never see. Never see, but feel, when his lips lingered there. Cas had been left speechless for a long moment after his words. And each time his lips found their way to that scar, Cas couldn’t help but feel like he was flying. Levitating. Dissolving.

«I love you, Cas.» He says against his neck before his lips begin finding their way to his, Dean's soft nose leading them on their way up, up, up.

«I love you, Dean.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone reading, commenting, and leaving kudos, I really appreciate it!<3


	16. chevy door,  november flush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His kisses are going to kill him. 
> 
> His kisses are going to heal him.
> 
> His touches are going to kill him. 
> 
> His touches are going to heal him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday, Dean!<3 you deserved the world.

**_D E A N_ **

Dean has seen beauty before. Seen the world showing off its best side. But, standing there, atop the cliff together with Cas, Dean cannot think of anything more beautiful than Cas standing beneath the stars, leaning against Dean. His lips warm against his face, moving from his jaw, his cheeks, his neck before they once more find Dean's lips.

Dean's hands keep exploring Cas´s back, his skin warm against his cold fingers. Arms locking him tight in his embrace. He needs him closer. Closer. Closer. He can’t get him close enough. Can’t get enough of him. The want, the need, for the other man's touches, kisses, love, is almost dizzying for Dean. His mind only ever focused on those lips.

A faint groan escapes his lips as Cas gently kicks away Dean's foot before he steps in between his legs, bringing his body even closer to Dean. Cas smiles against his lips, his hands moving from around Dean's neck, to cupping his face. One hand moved to the back of his head, fingers spreading in his hair. He’s got Dean trapped in his hands, no way for him to move his head without Cas wanting him to. It becomes even more dizzying as Cas trails his lips away from his own, gently painting Dean's jaw with more freckles, before choosing Dean's neck as his next prey.

_His kisses are going to kill him._

_His kisses are going to heal him._

Stretching his neck to give the other better access, his own hand moves to his black hair, while the other lightly scratch at Cas´s back. Beneath his fingers he can feel the chill it sends through his body, but Cas keeps kissing his neck, not letting go of Dean. Slowly he pushes Dean forward so he’s laying with his back against the hood of his car. Only held up by the welcoming force of Cas´s body atop his. His hand no longer at the back of his head, but moving down down down, slipping under his shirt where cold fingers find warm skin, its Deans turn to shiver at the touch. Unable to do anything as he feels his whole body reacting to the touches, Dean closes his eyes, breathing heavily.

_His touches are going to kill him._

_His touches are going to heal him._

Without opening his eyes, Dean guides Cas´s head back down when he stops kissing him for a moment, to catch his breath. If Cas is going to continue leaving Dean this breathless, he sure as hell won’t let him breathe either. Moving his hand to tangle it in his hair, the other moving back under his hoodie, pressing at the small of Cas´s back. At the touch, Cas melts into him, his lips soft, his mouth warm against Dean´s. At the lack of air, they both slow the kisses, turning them even softer, panting against each other's mouths.

Despite the cold night surrounding them, the heat emitted from their bodies warms them both. Teasingly biting his lower lips, Cas answers with a deep groan. The friction of their movements against each other increasing the pressure of his bulge against his jeans.

«You’re gonna kill me Cas,» Dean says between heavy breaths, not sure if the dizziness is from lack of air, or because of the man half laying on top of him. «But please don’t stop.»

Dean answers Cas´s sweet laughs with kisses behind his right ear. Dean had pretty quickly found that small area to be Cas´s most sensitive spot, and he absolutely exploited that tiny bit of information to the fullest. The small and quiet giggles escaping him as he melts against him gives Dean the upper hand. Standing up, still in Cas´s arms, he turns them around so that Dean has him trapped this time.

_Those eyes are going to be the death of him._

Placing one hand in his hair and one on Dean's neck, Cas leans in close while pulling their lips together again. Locking his arms around the angel, the two are standing so close that he can feel the pressure increased as they moved against each other. With Cas in his arms, Dean knows he can break any moment, the angel holding an irresistible power over him. One hand slips under his hoodie, teasingly touching his hips, the man in his arms shivers again as he brushes his fingers just beneath the hem of his pants.

«Dean…» still short of breath, Cas tugs Dean's head closer to his neck giving him access to do whatever he wishes. It's Cas´s turn to close his eyes against the sweet kisses against his neck, Dean holding him while his hand wanders closer and closer to Cas´s hard line pressing against Dean. His cold fingers against his warm skin just beneath the hem of his pants. As Cas tightens his grip on Dean´s hair, Dean's lips slowly move away from his neck, searching for the other soft lips.

_Those lips will be his last thought before he disintegrates._

Slowly pulling back from his kisses, Dean stares at the angel, a satisfied smile playing on his lips as Cas slowly opens his eyes to search for where the soft lips went. Faces still close, they share a long look, just staring at each other with a loving look so familiar for both, and yet neither of them has been able to see it for what it was, before now.

Removing his hand from Cas´s bare skin is met with an almost disappointed look from the angel, but is quickly replaced by a pleased smile as Dean leans closer. But instead of closing the distance between them, Dean pushed them both off the hood of the car, before taking a step back, pulling Cas with him by outstretched arms. As he turns, walking back towards the side of the car, Dean leads his lips back to Cas´s, their warmth burning away the cold of the night. With easy steps, Dean moves towards the impala again, pressing his back against the chevy door, dragging Cas against him. Crashing into his chest, Cas deepens the kiss.

_The feel of his warm touches will become his heaven._

How Dean had managed to live his whole life without his touches, his lips, his warmth, is the biggest mystery of all. Now, having tasted them, Dean can not even imagine having to live without them for a day. Savoring the feel of their every kiss. Every embrace. Every moment. Dean tucks them safely into his heart for him to keep with him forever. Even forever won't be long enough for them.

_This man, the one he will follow into oblivion._

Pushing against him, Dean moves them both from where they stand, leading Cas against the rearmost chevy door. Dancing around each other, Cas opens the door, before pushing them both inside, laying Dean underneath him in the back seat. His eyes seem to glow in the dark, the blue of his irises lit up by sparks of electricity coming from inside him. Unbuttoning each other's jackets, the November chill is long forgotten, their flannel jackets are thrown over the seat, landing somewhere out of sight as they move together.

Somehow, all their clothes quickly find new resting places somewhere in the car. Lips moving against each other, never leaving the other for longer than a short moment. Hands trailing all over, leaving hot streams of fire wherever they touch. Skin to skin they set fire to themselves, moving against each other as one. Moving together as if this was what they were made to do. This was their purpose.

Breaking each other down to the last dusted grain of their bodies, they rebuild one another breath by breath, kiss by kiss, touch by touch. Their souls ripped opened and spilled all over them, before merging as one as their breaths, kisses, touches heal the broken pieces. Their souls both healed, seen, loved, by the other.

_He would have welcomed death if it came in the shape of him._

_Traveled through the entire universe if his body was the map he was given._

_Become lost in darkness as long as his touches are the fire keeping him warm, his eyes the only torches to light the world in an incandescent glow._

_He would choose life if it promised him._

_He chose him._

Words of love are whispered in the dark as their bodies find their purpose together. Sweet words who have lived on their lips for so many years, but never escaped. Words only meant for each other.

Until…

The other name is the only word remembered in the back of the car. Their bodies the only world worth living for. The other's eyes the only night sky visible, the only universe that matters.

Nothing else matters anymore, as long as they have each other.

_I’ll choose him every day,_

_as he chooses me every night_

It’s the last thought Dean remembers, before falling into a deep sleep in the embrace of an angel.

_Cas._

_***_

With Cas’s warm body lying atop his own, only their two warm plaid jackets covering them, Dean slowly wakes as the winter night starts letting go. The car is chilly, but laying this close together they both managed to stay warm, even after they fell asleep sometime during the night. Softly breathing against his bare neck, a sleeping Cas rests his head on Dean's shoulder, forehead pressed softly against Dean's temple, a warm arm laid across Dean's chest, hand half cupping Dean's face.

As Dean wakes he pulls the other man even closer, tightening the grip around him. Dean's arm strongly embracing him so that he can rest comfortably at the edge of the seat. He’d lost count of how many nights he’d spend in the car, but after last night, they are all forgotten. All those nights fade away as this one is left as the only one that truly matters. All those nights in the back of the impala and this is the only one he wants to remember, the only one he will remember.

Dean has never felt so alive as in this moment. His heart bleeds of love, his soul screaming with the will to _live_. A new feeling entirely. A feeling he welcomes with open arms.

Living.

Loving.

With soft kisses painted across his face by Dean, Cas wakes with a smile on his lips. Locking his blue gaze on Dean's green eyes. In the silence, laying there close to each other, Cas’s fingers move lightly across Dean's face, as he fondly looks down at the angel in his arms.

«Good morning, love.» Cas softly whispers, his fingers gently counting Dean's freckles with soft touches.

«Morning, angel.» His voice low and hoarse as his first words of the day escapes his lips. With his free hand, Dean mirrors Cas’s movements with light and soft touches, caressing Cas’s beautiful face. He could stay like this forever.

«Did we stay here all night?» Cas mumbles quietly against his neck, his nose trailing soft paths along his neck, eyes now closed against the day.

«Yeah…» Dean laughs as he watches Cas slowly wake. Dean never thought he would find another man _cute,_ but watching Cas like this… he has never seen anything cuter. «You sure as hell know how to take a man stargazing.»

Cas responds with a small chuckle, his breaths tickling Dean's neck, nose softly running over his skin. His hand cups Dean's face as he leans forward to gently greet Dean with sweet kisses. Smiling into the kiss they hold tight around each other, their naked bodies warming their skin against each other.

«We should do this again, freckles.»

«Definitely. But we should probably be on our way soon.» Dean smiles, giving his man one last kiss before they start to rise from their comfortable positions.

As soon as they move from their place, removing the warm jackets, the cold November morning sneaks in. Their bodies stiff from their night spent in the back seat, and probably partly because of last night's activities. They dress as fast they can’t so the cold won’t take too much of a hold on them. Dean moves over to the front seat, getting comfortable in the passenger seat. At the questioning look Cas gives him, he smiles brightly as he pulls his jacket close across his chest.

«You want _me_ to drive?» Cas asks doubtfully as he moves to the driver´s seat, pulling his hoodie over his head.

«Yeah.»

«You want me to drive.»

«Yeah, come on, before I change my mind.» Dean just chuckles at the look Cas gives him.

«You sure?»

«Cas.» Dean moves closer to him, a hand against his cheek, a soft kiss against his lips. «I’ve already told you. All of me is yours.»

«But… you _never_ let anyone drive the _impala_.»

«Well, duh. But she’s a part of me, part of my heart. So she’s kinda yours too...» He smiles softly at the man beside him.

Cas seems to be speechless as Dean leans in for a quick kiss. As he sits back against the passenger seat again, he watches Cas fondly as he starts the car, pulling her towards the road.

«I´ll kill you though if anything happens to her…» he says, and getting a warm and sweet laugh in return.

Dean watches Cas the whole way home, a loving smile playing on his lips. Their intertwined hands resting on the seat between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!<3


	17. to build a home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family.  
> A real, and loving family.  
> It’s what he, they, had always wanted.

**_S A M_ **

Weeks had passed since they opened the bunker to other hunters, growing this new hunter network, where eight hunters were currently living with them permanently. Two others lived close by and stopped by almost every day. Other than that, they had hunters visiting when driving through town, or if there was something they needed, or could help with. So the bunker was often bustling with people. Now, right before Christmas, the bunker was so alive, which it probably hadn’t been since the Men of Letters left it, and Sam was almost glowing with excitement as they continue to develop the network. Getting calls from other hunters across the country who wanted to join their work, some wanting to establish a base as they had here. Sam had grown up not wanting to be a hunter, but now, he couldn’t imagine not living like this. He loved this. Loved how he could help others, get hunters in touch with each other, establishing a community and network that for sure would live on for a long time.

Sam also loved how it brought him and Eileen closer each day. She loved hunting too, and she often went out on cases with the other hunters living in the bunker. Sam tried to join whenever he could, but he, Taylor and Xand mostly stayed here working on uploading their library to the online hunter's network. Today, however, Leo had found a ghost case just an hour drive from here that he had wanted Sam to join him on. He guesses he needed to get out there once in a while.

Jack came and went whenever they could, joining them for dinner in the bunker, movie nights in the living room. Jack didn’t stay for long, as they were busy rebuilding heaven, fixing what Chuck had ruined or broken. Making a better world. Sam couldn’t be more proud. The world was safe, in the hands of a God with a heart as good as Jacks.

Dean had started his new job at the garage in town, and he seemed to really enjoy it, he even spent more time in the bunker´s garage during his days off. He would help them whenever they needed, with whatever they needed, Dean even had joined Eileen on a simple ghost hunt last week, his first hunt after he’d gotten Cas back. But other than that he didn’t join them actually hunting. But he was happy, happier than Sam had ever seen him, and that's what matters. He hadn’t really been surprised when his brother had told him that he wanted to quit hunting. He knew Dean no longer wanted to chase after his destiny as a hunter, now that he had the chance to live a happy, safe, almost normal life. With someone he loved.

Castiel usually spent his days in the bunker helping the others, or Sam. He’d been working on translating a section of books in Enochian, and some others that were written in such old languages that it was impossible for anyone else to translate. He seemed to really enjoy it, the reading and the writing. Some days he would disappear from the bunker for hours. He’d told Sam that he enjoyed the peace he found in nature, so he was often drawn to the forests close to the mountains.

Cas would sometimes join him or Eileen on some of the basic hunts, the quick and easy ones, but nothing big or too far away. Sam suspected Dean might have something to do with that. He knew how protective his brother was about Cas, he always had been. And now that Dean had gotten him back, finally got what he had wanted for so long, he for sure refused to lose that to a stupid hunt.

Dean and Cas.

Sam had never before seen neither of them so _alive_. Not much had changed really, except now they didn’t hide from _each other_. However, sometimes the happiness in their eyes was the only indication that anything had changed between them. The kissing was new, the giggling, tight embraces, cuddling. But... they were so _they_ , that Sam sometimes almost forgot that they had finally gotten together. They’d always been close, inseparable. The looks were the same, a longing for the other shining brightly. The way they seemed to always be touching somehow, or at least be so close that they could touch. The way they always seemed more alive when in the presence of the other.

However, now the longing looks were answered. They didn’t turn away when the other caught them watching. The touches always leaving a fire around them, a fire they didn’t hide anymore. But they were still Dean and Cas. Dean very obviously in love with Cas. And Cas clearly in love with Dean. So sometimes Sam was still surprised when he’d catch them kissing in the hallways, laying very close together on the couch, standing close in tight embraces.

He knew that Dean was very protective over Cas, he always had been, but now more than ever. Sam understood that perfectly. The way he had felt when his relationship with Eileen was still fresh. How he was so protective. It was in Dean's nature to be protective of the people he loved, he’d been like that with Sam all his life, so he wasn’t really surprised. They didn’t hide, but Sam had noticed how they were more careful around the others in the bunker. In front of Sam and Eileen, they seemed to feel safer, but with the others, they were more subtle. When he had pointed it out to Eileen she had told him how she could see the protectiveness in them both, when others were present. How they liked to keep to themselves, not showcasing their feelings.

Sam had known Dean before Cas, Dean without Cas, so he could see the protectiveness in them both. The way they loved each other from afar, and he found it strange that they didn’t show it more now that they finally could, knowing the other would answer. He’d thought that when they finally got together, they wouldn’t be afraid to show everyone that they loved each other. Eileen had said that the way she saw it, as someone who had only known Dean _with_ Cas, they loved each other in the details, while they shielded themself from anything that could harm them. Shielded their feelings, because their feelings could make them vulnerable. Not that the hunters in the bunker would ever do something to hurt them, but they were people who they’d only known for a short time. People that didn’t know their story, a new element in their lives that they still hadn’t learned fully.

They all knew there was something between the two, but no one asked them or said anything, and as long as they hadn’t announced anything, they would keep it to themselves. Right after the new hunters had moved in, when some of them were in one of the smaller libraries, one of them had asked Sam about them. But only that one time. They seemed to understand how the two were very private.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Sam. How long have Dean and Cas been married?” Surprise clear on his face, Sam started laughing at Alex, who shared confused looks with Taylor, Aiko, and Zane.

“What?” Zane had given Sam a questioning look.

“They aren’t.” Sam chuckled as he watched the two others sitting at the table.

“Oh. Together, then.”

“They aren’t.” The confused looks he got in return had made him laugh even more.

“Wait. Seriously?” Aiko had come closer from her spot at the bookshelf.

“Yeah. Dean and Cas... Well, let’s just say that the both of them are so emotionally constipated and blind that they have been pining after each other for like twelve years.”

“You’re kidding right?” Zane had closed his book, a look of strong disbelief pointed at Sam.

“I wish!” He had to laugh again. He did suspect something had happened between the two of them these past weeks after they woke from their sleep, but they hadn’t said or showed anything. But, if they didn’t open their eyes soon, and see the other, Sam might go crazy, if they didn’t explode first, from the tension between them. Amused, he sat back in his chair, watching the others. “Now, tell me. What made you all think they were married?”

“Ehm. Everything?” Zane was frowning at the table.

“The way they look at each other.” Aiko pointed at Sam, stealing his attention. “It’s fucking crazy that they aren’t together when they look at each other so intensely.”

“They are always touching or standing close to each other. It’s like they’re two magnets drawn to each other, no force keeping them apart.” Alex was just as confused as Zane looked.

“The way they act so different with each other than anyone else. Like Dean, he just... turns soft whenever Cas is close. And Castiel... he’s so bright when he’s with Dean. Everything, really.” Zane repeated.

“Yeah. That’s been there for over a decade. I’ve been third-wheeling them for so long I might actually explode soon.” He had to laugh at them again. It’s hilarious how these people who has spent less than a month in the bunker, had seen this so clearly when Dean and Cas hadn’t. “So, no they aren’t married, and they aren’t together as far as I know. But they’ll get there.”

“Seriously?” Aiko half whispers to the bookshelf.

“Believe me, I wish they’d just get their shit together. I might have to lock them in a room together, refusing to let them out before they have.”

“I seriously thought they were married...” Alex has opened her book again, but he can see her unfocused eyes trying to figure it all out.

This was before Sam knew they actually had gotten together, but he had suspected _something_ had changed, already the day they had returned from the empty. He’d gone to Dean’s room to look for them. When he opened the door, he’d first seen their intertwined hands, resting above Dean’s heart. He’d smiled at them, at the way they lay so close, faces turned towards each other. Even when they were sleeping they longed for each other. Sam had quietly turned off the lights in the room and taken the tray of uneaten food with him, closing the door, still smiling. If they didn’t figure shit out _now_ , he’d definitely have to do something about it himself. He’d returned once every other hour, making sure they were okay. Their hands stayed over Dean’s heart. They hadn’t moved much, but it did look as if their bodies kept moving closer each time. When Dean had messaged him, he’d run to his room. Their hands still together. Bodies now so close that their sides were pressed against each other. Cas was lying on his stomach, his shoulder half resting against Dean, face turned towards Dean. A couple of days later he’d seen them walk into Dean’s room together, closing the door, neither of them leaving until the next morning.

Talking about it with Eileen, she’d made him understand the two in a way he hadn’t before. With Eileen's words, Sam had truly come to understand how Dean and Cas guarded themselves against being vulnerable. Neither of them had really been good at showing emotions in the presence of others, so it shouldn’t really surprise him. Then Eileen had pointed out another thing that Sam knew of all too well, but had never really understood; the way they loved in the details. Sam knew the little things had always been there, but he’d never seen why, or how. Now they made so much more sense. She said that they weren’t people who showed their emotions with big gestures, so as not to draw attention to their feelings, something they considered so private. She told him how they _loved_ and _lived_ through the small gestures. How they showed their feelings in something as simple as a touch on the shoulder, a touch at the elbow, a hand on the other back. How instead of standing in front of everyone, kissing, they would sit in a room full of people and only have eyes for each other. How they always were drawn to each other. If placed in a dark room full of people, they would know at once where the other was, finding each other right away.

Even if they were bickering, fighting, the love glowed so strongly Sam was almost taken aback by it. Like when Cas had come home from a hunt with a cut on his cheek that needed stitches, and Dean had flipped out. Just the thought of Cas getting hurt or Dean losing him again seemed to break something in Dean. They had stayed mad at each other the rest of the day, not saying a single word to each other, and yet... The touches were there, the fussing when Dean cleaned the wound, the looks they gave each other, the way Dean melted against Cas when they sat down by the fire that night. Dean sitting down beside Cas, leaning against his chest, Cas with a hand around his shoulder.As Dean watched one of his favorite movies, Cas was reading a book, his hand played with Dean's hair. Still not saying a word to each other.

Or when Dean had hurt his ankle after being carelessly climbing onto a shelf in their garage, tripping the whole thing over. Cas had been mad at how careless he could be, angry that he couldn’t heal him anymore. They’d started bickering about how the other was careless, and how the other had no way of protecting them if they kept being reckless. Sam had laughed when he came into the kitchen and heard them fighting about who gets to love and protect the other the most. They didn’t talk much that night either, communicating only in small, short, flat words. Silence treatment seemed to be their specialty. Later that day when they cleaned up after dinner, Sam saw the hand Dean placed on Cas's lower back when he passed him to get to the sink. How Cas had placed his hand on Dean's shoulder, his thumb stroking his neck, for a moment when they walked down the hall to Dean's “cave” that he had made into a private living room or movie room for him and Cas. When Sam was on his way from the living room to his own room that night, he had passed their slightly open bedroom, and as he quietly slipped past, Sam had heard them saying good night to each other with sweet words to make up for the silence.

“Goodnight, angel.”

“Goodnight, love.”

And then almost inaudible he’d heard them whispering a sweet “I love you” to each other. So, Dean and Cas might not showcase their feelings the same way the other couples in the bunker did, but the way they showed their love through the simplest things, the smallest gestures, were just as beautiful, if not more.

Sam couldn’t believe how blind he had been to not see all of that in that way before Eileen had pointed it out. How they loved each other so intensely through such small gestures, almost invisible to other people. He must have been just as blind as Dean and Cas, to not see that that was the way they loved when he’d been watching them do it for years. Sam had lived with the two of them for over a decade, used to the touches, the longing looks, the fighting, everything. So he hadn’t seen the way they loved each other quietly while doing it before Eileen had explained how she saw them. And now he couldn’t see it. And he couldn’t help but remember how those small gestures had always been there.

The love. Dean and Cas.

It shone stronger now, glowing more brightly, that light that had always been there. Never dark, only ever shining stronger and stronger.

But now they had set it on fire.

***

When Eileen finally wakes, her smile lighting up the dark of their room, Sam kisses her before pulling her even closer. They had gone to bed early last night, but they hadn’t slept much. He could still see how she glowed as she lay there in his arms, her naked skin only covered by a thin blanket. He’d never had anything against mornings, but it hadn’t been until he’d started waking with her in his arms, that he truly enjoyed the mornings. Not as much as the nights, but as long as she was beside him, he was smiling.

With a quick shower, Sam leaves Eileen in the bathroom, heading towards the kitchen. His stomach already starting to scream for food. However, the sight he meets when he walks into the kitchen silences it and he almost forgets why he’s there in the first place. That how surprised he is when he sees his brother. Awake. Dressed. Drinking coffee. Smiling, early in the morning.

“Good morning?” Sam looks at his brother, confusion all over his face. Dean was never the first one to wake in the morning. Never waking this early. It almost made Sam a little worried.

“Morning, bro!” Dean's wide smile and shining eyes take away his worry, but not confusion. Sam notices that his hair is damp, probably having just showered, and he’s wearing one of his silly-looking pajamas with pictures of pies on it, and a dark green comfy-looking hoodie.

“Everything alright?”

“Life is good, Sam, it’s perfect.” He raises his cup of coffee as if toasting before bringing it to his lips, his free hand fiddling with his necklace which always stays hidden beneath his shirt. “It’s a beautiful morning.”

“Okay... I take it you and Cas had a good time yesterday?” Sam moves to sit down opposite his brother, and just a second after he sits by the table, Cas walks in, a shy smile on his lips as his eyes meet Deans. He’s wearing one of Dean's black hoodies, his hair also newly showered. They stare at each other for a long moment, just like they always do, making everyone present almost uncomfortable because of the _tension_. “At least late, you were still gone when we went to bed... when did you come home last night?”

Over his coffee, Dean grins at his brother. Cas has moved to the fridge, taking out the leftovers from last night's dinner that they never showed up to. Sitting down close to Dean they share the plate. A grin is spreading on Cas’s lips too. It’s _all_ in the small gestures with them. Now that he has seen it once, he can’t help but see it in everything they do. No one lives with such love in the smallest thing as they do. Sam is convinced that even their every breath is a declaration of love to the other man.

“Who said we ever got home last night?” Dean winks at his brother as he takes the fork from Cas, overloading it and bringing it to his mouth.

“You stayed out driving all night?”

“We were _out_ yeah _... well,_ inside the car, though we were too busy to drive…” He says as he hands the fork back to Cas. Winking at him as he watches Cas take a bite of the creamy pasta salad Eileen made yesterday. As always, his eyes are glued to Cas. So there it was, so clearly visible. Those small gestures. The looks. The way they loved. “The backseat is pretty comfortable if you share it with the right person.”

“The back...”

Oh.

 _Oh_.

Clearly slow this early in the morning, distracted by his own thoughts, Sam takes a moment to understand what his brother means. But his raised eyebrow and a wicked smile say enough. As he catches up, really not interested in his brother’s _nightly activities_ , he gives him an annoyed look and rolls his eyes, quickly standing up to get himself something for breakfast.

“Please don’t elaborate.”

“Man, I think stargazing is my new favorite way to spend my evenings.”

“It was pretty pleasurable. Wouldn’t mind repeating it.” Cas mumbles to Dean as he chews with his mouth full.

“Oh God, guys, please... I haven’t even had my coffee yet.” Standing with his back against them, Sam can still hear it when Dean leans over to give Cas a big and noisy kiss. When Sam hears them both _giggle_ quietly to each other, he has to smile too. Although not interested in how they spend their nights, he’s still happy for his brother. Happy for them both, his brother and his best friends.

Sam prepares four avocado-toasts, displaying them on two plates, then he pours one cup of coffee, and one cup of tea. When he sits back down, Eileen walks into the kitchen, smiling as she joins them at the table. S _he’s so beautiful,_ Sam thinks as he just stares at her

“Morning, boys.” She smiles brightly, her hand gently running through his hair as she sits beside him.

“Morning, little sis.” Dean smiles at her before once again stealing Cas’s fork to fill his mouth with too much food. Sam can’t help but smile at his brother. It’s even in the way they eat their breakfast.

“How was your drive...”

“Please don’t ask. You don’t wanna know.” At Sam's words, she looks between the two smiling men sitting across the table. She seems to catch up way faster than Sam and shakes her head at them as she smiles.

“No, I don’t think I do.” Dean laughs at her fondly before turning all his attention back to the food.

“I gotta say, Eileen, you make one killer pasta salad.”

“It’s amazing,” Cas adds with a smile.

“Thanks.” Her shy smile makes all the butterflies in Sam's stomach run crazy.

“Didn’t think you were the salad-type.”

“Shut up, Sammy. This is not the same as your rabbit food, that green leaf thingy. This is real food.”

“Sure, Dean.”

“Well, as long as it tastes good, it’s good enough for me. So, what’s the plan for today?”

“Leo suggests I should get out on a hunt once in a while, to get a break from all the work here, so we found a case, some ghost haunting a school. It’s not far so we should be back by tonight. You could join us if you’d like to?”

“Maybe another time, Sammy. Wasn’t really planning on doing anything today. Got some parts to change on Baby, so I might spend some hours in the garage.”

Sam knew what Dean's answer would be, but he asked him anyways, each time Sam were to go hunting. He respected that he didn’t want to hurt anymore, but he knew Dean appreciates being asked. Cas and Eileen seem to have moved on to another subject, already deep in conversation across the table. Sam tries to catch up with some of what they are signing but they move their fingers so fast, probably talking about a subject Sam isn’t able to make out, so he quickly gives up, not ready for _learning_ this early. Cas, fluent in every language, is of course also an expert in ASL. Sam is still learning, and although he knows a little bit, he isn't an expert, so he’s glad at least someone is. They’d found they had a lot of common interest, so Cas and Eileen have become very good friends after Cas got back, and both Dean and Sam couldn’t be happier about it.

He loves how happy Eileen looks when they are deep in conversation like this. And he loves how happy Dean is, watching his angel.

Family.

A real, and loving family.

It’s what he, they, had always wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading <3


	18. sparks fly whenever you smile

**_D E A N_ **

The last day of work before Christmas is over and Dean, on his way from the bathroom to his bedroom after a long and relaxing shower head down the hall, his hair still damp. He pulls his necklace - the chain holding a slightly glowing glass ball - over his head, placing it under his shirt so that it rests close to his heart. His black t-shirt sticking tight to his still damp chest and shoulders, his sweatpants hanging loosely from his hips.

When he rounds the corner, he sees Cas departing from Dean's room, or now it was really their bedroom. Miracle is close by Cas’s feet, always staying close to his new favorite family member. Mir had fallen completely in love with Cas the moment they had met, and sometimes it almost made Dean a little jealous. As Mir sees Dean she runs over excepting to be greeted by a hug, as Dean always gives him. Dressed in one of Dean's slightly oversized hoodies, Cas turns his face down the hallway where he finally spots Dean coming towards him.

A smile cracks uncontrollably across Dean's face the moment he meets the angel's eyes. He might no longer have his grace, technically making him human and not an angel. But to Dean, he would always be an angel. Cas had always been, and would always be an angel in Dean's eyes. And now, he was _his_ angel. When Dean raises from hugging the dog, he runs off, continuing down the hall, most likely headed for his favorite resting spot by the fire.

«Nice hoodie.» Dean winks at Cas, a smile appeared on his lips too.

«It was the only clean one I could find after I showered earlier.» He smiles as he meets Dean in the middle of the hallway. «And I was too lazy to do laundry… Since you were still at work I figured you wouldn’t have any use for it at the time, besides you don’t seem to mind when I borrow them.»

«You know I love seeing you in my clothes.» Dean smiles and closes the distance between them. His smile widens as he teasingly stops short of kissing the angel. He can’t stand it for long though, and finally kisses him after having longed for it all day. One of his favorite times of his day was always the moments after he had just gotten back from work, and sees Cas again. Getting to kiss him again after having missed his warmth and love all day. «Merry Christmas, my love.»

«Merry Christmas, Dean.»

When Dean, still kissing him, leans closer, his arms going to his waist, the lightbulb directly over them explodes with a loud snap. Dean rapidly pulls back from the kiss, but gather his arms protectively around the angel and pulls him even closer to his chest. Sparks rains down all around them, before the spot they are standing in turns slightly darker in the absence of the light. A moment passes and Dean slowly looks to the angel's face who is blushing and trying not to meet his gaze. A small but almost embarrassed smile plays on his lips.

«Cas, was that you?»

«It…» he chuckles as he finally meets Dean's eyes. «It seems that the small portion of grace you left with me, is not as easy to control as when I’m fully powered up. It is... Uhm... I believe it’s so little that I have no control over it, and it might act on its own will when I experience... Uhm... strong emotions. So, it does things like that sometimes.»

«You’re kidding with me.»

«No, it doesn’t seem like I am.» Nervously rambling, he looks up at the lamp hanging from the ceiling, now dark and empty. «If you’re bothered by it, I can just remove it all. It’s such a small part that, yes I am fully human, but there's still is a little grace left, like the size of a grain of sand. If you don’t…» Cas doesn’t finish as Dean closes the distance between them to silence him.

«It’s adorable.» He smiles into the kiss, raising his hands to run it through his beautiful black hair. «It's part of you. It will always be a part of who you are, even if you’d remove it all. But it’s part of you, and…» he gently kisses him again, pulling them even closer.

«And I love every single part of you. There isn’t a single thing that I don’t love about you.»

Cas blushes deeper at Dean's words and the look he gives him, makes Dean's stomach flip a thousand times. The stupid butterflies in his stomach attack him everywhere every time Cas gives him that loving look. He hates those stupid butterflies. But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

«I love you.» He says kissing him between each time he says the words, making Cas smile so wide he lights up the dark that the exploded lamp above them left. «I love you. I love you. I love you.»

«You’ve already said that like seven times this morning.»

«Not enough.» Backing up slowly, Dean pulls Cas with him by the collar of his hoodie. His back pressed to the wall behind him, Dean pulls his angel as close as he can, to kiss him again. His lips seem to scream for contact with the other man's lips all day long, even when he wakes in the middle of the night, his first thoughts are of kissing his angel. His name is always the last word on Dean's lips as he falls asleep at night, his lips still longing for the other's lips. His name always the first word on his lips as Deans wakes in the morning. He no longer dreads walking in the mornings, knowing that his first word of the day will be answered with the whisper of his own name, a deep and rasping voice close to his ear.

One hand still in his soft and dark hair, the other cups his angelic face. Cas's own hands find their way to Dean's waist, holding him close. His eyes full of love and emotion studies the blue eyes currently staring at Dean's lips. The blue eyes raise to meet his green, and with a deadly quiet, they hold each other's gaze for a long moment. Dean could spend the rest of his life like this. Holding the angel, kissing him freely as often as he wants, needs. Staring at him, the angel with eyes like the sky.

«I need to make up for all the times I didn’t say them. I’ve been such a coward all these years. Wanting to scream out the three hardest words I’ve ever known, every time I’ve looked at you. I was such a coward, keeping them to myself. I’m never doing that again.» Dean can see Cas´s eyes turn glassy as they softly smile at each other.

«I was a coward too, so there’s no need to…»

«I´m going to tell you I love you until I take my last breath, and there is absolutely no way you can stop me. Not even if you kill me yourself, will I stop saying it. These three words will be the last words from my lips, so nothing will ever again stop me from telling you I love you, whenever I want to. And I want to. You make the words easy for me to say, and I love you even more for that, each time I speak them out loud. You make me want to live Cas, not just survive, get through the day.... but _live_.»

With wide, glassy eyes Cas takes a step closer to Dean, closing a distance that isn’t even there. With hands holding Dean tight, Dean can see Cas´s face crumbling with emotion before they both get lost in another kiss.

One of many.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´ve been obsessed with the idea of Cas not being able to control his grace when kissing Dean so I just had to write a short chapter with it. Thank you so much for reading!!<3


	19. just take me home

**_J A C K_ **

Too caught up in each other, eyes and ears only for the other man, the world around them disappears for Dean and Cas the moment their lips find each other. They don’t hear the faint flutter of quiet wings in the hallway beside them. They don’t see the figure appearing behind them, Jack with their light and messy hair, dressed in a faded red and black plaid shirt, grinning at them with a goofy smile as they kiss each other softly, leaning against the wall.

Jack takes in the sight of their fathers for a moment before they turn around and heads in a different direction, disappearing unnoticed around a corner. Jack is still smiling as they reach the living room, joining Eileen and Sam in front of the television in their living room. And as they sit down, Miracle comes running over from his resting place by the fire. He jumps onto Jack's lap, getting comfortable. His beautiful dark eyes staring up at theirs as he waits for Jack to hug and cuddle him.

The living room had been empty and not used all the while the Winchesters had lived there, as had many of the other rooms in the bunker. Until they had defeated Chuck. That's when they had started to live their lives. That’s when they had time to finally just _be_. Just exist. Just live. So they had cleaned the room, set up a huge cornered-couch against one wall, and a large flat-screen television against the opposite wall. They’d brought in two cozy armchairs in the far corner, with some small bookshelves decorating the wall behind them. It felt like home in here. Like a home where people lived. They had finally made a home.

It might just look like an ordinary living room, but this particular one was the Winchester’s private sanctuary. The other hunters who lived in the bunker sometimes joined them, yes, but they kept mostly to one of the two other living rooms they had renovated at the other end of the bunker. But this one. This one was theirs. With the other hunters roaming the halls of the bunker, they all shared a kitchen, library and the biggest living room was used as some sort of common room for everyone. But some nights, nights like these, the Winchesters would retreat to their own private living room, the one close to the hallway of bedrooms.

Jack had not been around when they started renovating the living room, but they had also left their touches on it. Above the fireplace along the longest wall stands several framed pictures that they had taken recently. It turns out Dean really loves to take pictures, especially in moments where he is the happiest, so there are lots of pictures of Cas, Sam, Eileen, Jack, Claire, Charlie, and the others he considered family. But on the sideboards besides the fireplace, stands lots of pictures not taken with any camera. It was Jack's gift to their family this Christmas.

The pictures aren’t really pictures, but memories made of glass. They’d `stolen´ them from the brothers, Eileen and Cas while they were sleeping. Jack hadn't poked around in their head uninvited, of course not. They had only stolen the feelings their family had dreamt of.

Feelings of memories, and memories of feelings.

The largest of the pictures, the one on the left, showed them all gathered around the kitchen table in the bunker. It was a simple moment, nothing special really. But it was a memory that for all three of them, and even Eileen, represented true happiness and peace. Jack had seen the memory within all of them, and Jack himself remembers the happiness they had felt that night when all five of them were gathered, so they had framed it and sat it there.

A smaller one showed Dean holding Cas tightly on a dark street, beside a payphone in the middle of a sleeping town, his smile wide and loving, but also pained. With one hand Dean cups the angel's face, as the other holds them close in a longing embrace. He’d taken the memory from Dean, the memory of him finding Cas alive, having been thrown out of the empty. Sam was present in the picture too, but he was only a blurry presence in the background. The memory felt like love when Jack held it to make the picture.

Another was seeing a memory from the side of the road, that showed Dean and Cas in the front-seat of the impala, Sam, and Jack in the backseat. Cas was smiling softly as he watched Dean driving, Dean, closest to the `camera´, clearly at peace behind the wheel. Sam sat behind Dean, resting his head against the window, deep in sleep, lulled by the roar of the engine. Jack was directly behind Cas, head turned to the forest passing by, looking at something the picture did not catch. Cas had held the memory of watching Dean driving the impala, peacefully without a worry on his face, close to his heart.

One showed Sam and Eileen, faces turned away, Sam leaning against her car, staring out at a beautiful valley from the hill, the sunset colored the valley with a golden glow. The view, and the feeling of Sam holding Eileen, her back against his chest, embossed the memory with joy and love.

Three others showed Dean and Cas, on the brightest one they were sitting together at a cafe. Dean was eating a burger, smiling and watching Cas, while Cas was seated beside him, watching him with a longing look. Jack wasn’t sure which of the two had held the memory, but Jack remembers that the memory was made of longing for something neither thought they could have, and yet it was filled with love. As was every moment between the two. Even the awful memories, or the memories where they were fighting. There was always love woven into them. Not that he had been looking for it, but they knew that if they’d searched them both, deep, they would not find a single memory where their love did not shine or did not appear. The other one showed them walking together along a dark street, Dean's arm slung across Cas´s shoulders, and both looking at the other with love bleeding from their eyes. The third was the most recent memory that they had held on to. It was simple. Joyful. Happy. It was a picture of one of their first kisses. Sometime after Dean had gotten Cas out. Cas was dressed in Dean's clothes, leaning heavily against the other man, arms locked around his neck. It was a sweet and loving kiss, and they were both smiling into it. It had been the one memory of all that Jack had held, that radiated the most love. It was one of Jack's favorites.

There were several other pictures too, of Dean and Cas. Dean and Sam. Of Sam and Eileen. Sam and Cas. Cas and Jack. Dean and Jack. Cas, Dean, and Claire. Sam, Dean, and Bobby. Jack hadn’t counted how many decorated the long sideboard, or hung on the wall above it, but there were lots of happy memories from their life, showing that even though they had been hard, their lives had held love and happiness too.

All these memories were taken from them as they slept. As they slept peacefully and safe, Dean in Cas´s arms, and Eileen in Sam´s arm. They were all safe, happy, and loved, and that’s when their mind raced through these happy memories. Jack just happened to be standing outside their rooms, harvesting the loved and treasured memories of feelings, and feelings of memories.

Sam had smiled so wide when Jack showed it to them in the morning, that the smile would have reached all the way around his head if possible.

Eileen had been beaming with joy and admiration as she studied every single one of them.

Dean had been just standing in the middle of the room, frozen, eyes flying over each and every picture that Jack had made. Eyes lingering on the ones of him and Cas, until it finally rested on the one that showed them kissing. It wasn’t until Cas walked over from where he stood beside Sam, that Dean had moved. Cas put his arm around Dean´s waist, gently kissing away the tear that had fallen from Dean's eye. And then Dean had hidden his face in the space between the former angel's neck and shoulder, while Cas rested a hand in Dean's hair, gently stroking it.

«We made it, love. We made it.» Cas had whispered. Sam and Eileen were too caught up in admiring the memories turned to pictures to register what was happening behind them, but Jack heard him. Cas smiled at them over Dean´s head. «It’s _real_ , Dean. It’s real. _We_ are real.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!<3
> 
> I feel like I´m kinda finished with this story now, it already turned out waaaay longer than I had planned, but I really enjoyed writing it and I really needed to forget about the finale and just write my own... But, I have this really sad but happy (ending) epilogue idea, where Dean and Cas have lived a happy life together and dies of old age (because that is what they deserved!!), so I might write that...


	20. there’ll be peace when you are done // lay your weary head to rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of a man afraid of flying, and an angel afraid of falling, who somehow met in the middle. They stayed together despite fate, despite what they are, because they refused to be pulled apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB!! The chapter includes the death of main characters and can be skipped if wished. 
> 
> It's sad, and heartbreaking (I kinda cried writing this), but I also kinda find such endings beautiful, because Dean and Cas, and everyone else got to live a happy and long life.

**epilogue**

Seventy-nine days after Dean's 91st birthday, on a beautiful and warm spring night, Cas is woken by an electric spark making his heartbeats slow against his chest. He looks over at the man lying close beside him in bed. Breathing softly, slowly, with a smile still lighting up his face. Dean's face is always turned towards Cas, bodies always so close that they touch. Although the years have taken hold of them both, bodies no longer young, he’s still beautiful where he lays. Still Dean Winchester.

A single tear escapes from Cas’s eye, finding its way down his face. Their bedroom still echoing their last words before they went to sleep. Their sweet and gentle “I love you” still lingering on their lips. Cas knows why his last remaining grace woke him at this moment. He’s felt it coming for a few days, and Dean, always able to read Cas, knew too. Now he moves the hand he had been resting on Dean's abdomen, towards his chest. Gently laying it above his heart, Cas can feel the necklace with a small glass ball that always rests against Dean’s chest.

And so he watches, as the love of his life slowly draws a last breath.

And so he listens, as the love of his life does not breathe again.

And so he feels, as the love of his life no longer has the power to make his heartbeat.

A whole new kind of silence takes hold of their bedroom. Cas gently closes the small distance between their lips, their lips finding each other

one

last

time.

Their foreheads rested against each other, Cas’s hand cupping Dean's face, gently stroking those beautiful freckles.

And so, their foreheads still touching, Cas lay his head to rest against Dean's pillow.

And closes his eyes.

Drifting away.

Dean Winchester drew his last breath with a smile still spread across his face, their good night kiss still lingering on his lips. No pain. No fear. Nothing left undone. Nothing left unsaid. Dean Winchester’s heart beats one last time, for his angel, at 5:59 am.

Castiel Winchester, woken by his angel grace, to kiss his husband one last time. Lovingly holding on to the man beside him, he rests their heads together on the pillow, his cheek still wet from the tear that broke free. No pain. No fear. Nothing left undone. Nothing left unsaid. Castiel Winchester’s heart beats one last time, for his man, at 5:59 am.

~

Somewhere in the universe, a figure in the shape of a grown man with light blue eyes stops the world around them. For just a second, the blue eyes shift color, as the irises shine gold. Closing their eyes, they let out a long and heavy breath, hand lifted to rest above their heart. As they open their eyes again, after a long moment, the blue eyes are glassy, a sad smile lingering on their lips. No one around the figure of a man notices how their world stopped for a moment, everyone just going on with their lives. The man is gone. No one notice.

The blue eyes figure stands by the edge of the forest, outside a cozy looking house, a garden and backyard lit up by the moonlight. Jack's fathers had chosen to settle a little bit outside town, their house in the middle of a small forest, down by the edge of a small beautiful lake. The lights are off, but the blue eyes linger on the window on the second floor, the one on the right side. A black, very very old, 1967 Chevy Impala is parked in the driveway, beside a jubilee gold 1978 Lincoln Continental Mark V. With quiet steps, Jack moves to look around the corner of the house.

Down by the water, two men are standing close together in a sweet embrace. The slightly taller one leans back a little, bringing their lips together before they move to sit down on the grass. Still close together. The black-haired one throws his arm around the other's shoulder. Resting their heads together, they watch as the sun rises above the forest painting the sky a beautiful red and orange.

With a sad smile playing on their lips, Jack gives their home one last look before turning, disappearing in between the trees. Across town, Jack stands in the middle of a street, outside another sweet looking home. This time Jack heads to the backyard, sitting down on the porch swing close to the door leading into the kitchen. They sit there for the rest of the night, watching the faint glow of the stars still visible above. The blue eyes following the journey of the moon across the sky.

At 8:10 am, the kitchen door is unlocked and an old and gray-haired Sam Winchester smiles at Jack as they greet him with a smile, reaching out to take the cup of warm coffee he hands them. Sam sits down beside Jack, the two of them staring at the sky as the sun appears at the horizon. None of them speaks for a very long time.

«They... they are gone, right?» At his words, Jack looks at Sam, tears already streaming down his old and wrinkled face.

«Only a breath, a heartbeat, apart. Not even a whole minute.»

«Was... did…» Sam is struggling to push the words past his lips. His heart was heavy. Eyes clouded. Throat closing up.

«Dean was peacefully sleeping, the only thing he felt was his lips being kissed one last time.» Jack reaches over to take Sam’s hand. «Cas was woken by a spark, laying beside him, listening as he drew his last breath, his hand resting on his chest, feeling his heart beating one last time, just for _him_. Then he lay his head to rest beside Deans, finding peace himself as his heartbeat one last time just for _him_.»

Sam smiles through the tears, his hand gripping Jacks tight. They sit there in silence as the birds in the trees welcome a new day with cheerful tones. A light breeze sweeping through the neighborhood. After a while, an old and gray-haired woman steps out on the porch. Eileen moves close to her husband, resting a loving hand on his shoulder, giving Jack a questioning look when she discovers that her husband's face is wet from tears. Sam lays a hand on top of hers, and Jack smiles a sad smile at her as they nod slowly.

W _hen_? she says with her hands as she watches Jack's glassy eyes.

_About a couple of hours ago._ He signs silently.

_Together_?

_Together. As always._ Jack turns their eyes back towards the horizon.

Eileen's free arm embraces Sam as she bows down to place a kiss in his hair. Whispering words for him to hear as he leans into her touch. Eileen reaches over and takes Jack's hand, raising their hands to place a gentle kiss on the back of their hand.

Sam and Eileen's two daughters, arrive at their parent's house hours later to mourn their two uncles. Claire and Kaia join them just moments later. Jack and Claire sharing a long hug, staying close together the whole day, the embraces speaking the words they cannot say.

They were both their fathers.

The silence takes a stronghold of the day, and although the world continues on with their lives, the remaining Winchester’s spend the day with silent tears. Silent words.

Friends and family are told that same night. The news spread fast throughout the hunter’s network, now reaching across the country and even beyond the borders. Each hunter who has heard their names will grieve them, but smile for them with the knowledge that they made it. Dean and Cas lived.

Days later, the clearing where Dean and Cas had made their home, is filled with friends and family, both hunters and a few supernatural creatures. They gather to say goodbye one last time, as the flames raises high in the sky. The silence and the darkness of night lit up by both the flames and the lanterns each hunter is carrying.

And the stars.

It’s a beautiful night.

~

A young Dean Winchester sits by the lake behind their house, quietly watching, waiting, as for the sun to rise, painting the horizon in beautiful colors. Smiling at the silence, he waits.

It doesn’t take long, only a few heartbeats, not even a minute, passes, before he can hear quiet and light footsteps coming closer. When the silence once more takes hold Dean's smile widens as he stands up. A gentle and warm hand touches him, knitting their fingers together. Dean turns towards his husband, his face as young as when they first met, moving closer to him they melt against each other.

Too caught up in each other, they didn’t notice their son standing by the house, smiling at them before turning, disappearing into the forest. Pulling back slightly from their gentle kiss, resting their foreheads together, their eyes meet once more.

Where the blue of the sky touches the green of the earth, a fire is set once more. Flames that can never be tamed. In no life. In no world.

A love that never can and never will die.

It’s not the end of the story, simply just a new chapter.

The story of a man afraid of flying, and an angel afraid of falling, who somehow met in the middle. They stayed together despite fate, despite what they are, because they refused to be pulled apart.

Not even Death has the power to part then.

«Hello, Cas.»

«Hello, Dean.»

It’s the greatest love story ever told.

~ THE END ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, and left kudos!!<3
> 
> I feel like this (or something similar) is what should have happened. After everything Dean and Cas and Sam have been through, they all deserved to live the life they wanted. Dean wanted to quit hunting, and Sam wanted to be of help to other hunters. Cas and Eileen would of course stand by their sides for whatever they chose to do with their lives. It should have been their choice. 
> 
> The characters should have gotten to chose their ending, not the writers who don't even know their own characters... we all know, whether you like the ending or not, that the end wasn't the character's choice, it was rather their worst nightmare come true, and that will forever haunt me.
> 
> But at least, we have lots of fanfiction to get lost in, and that helps a little. It has really helped me to write this story, and it might not be perfect or how things should have happened, but for me, it's the happy ending I wanted... They got everything they ever wished for, the lives they deserved. Dean doesn’t die on a hunt, he dies of old age. Cas isn’t killed off because of his feelings, he lives a long life of love, able to express his feelings every single day of his life. Sam isn’t left alone, unhappy, and sad for the rest of his life, he lives a long and happy life, as he deserves. (And no, he doesn’t have a son named Dean, because the real Dean never died an awful death...) Eileen doesn’t just disappear and is forgotten, she lives a long and happy life filled with love, as she deserves.
> 
> Again, thank you so much to everyone who has read this, to everyone whos commented and left kudos! I love you guys!!<3


End file.
